What to do in the case of a Santa Attack

A Public Service Announcement, produced by HM Government, Whitehall

What to do in the case of a Santa Attack


Christmas is cancelled this year by order of government. It is feared Santa may be gearing up for a Winter offensive.

- Do not panic.
- You may simply die or be injured.




The Post Office have already been notified of the threat level and steps have been taken to destabilise Santa's lines of distribution.

If you fear your property is a target this year you may wish to consider moving home.



Other things you can do:

Cancel your milk order for one month.
Destroy all items in your home that contain sugar. Destruction by fire is unsafe and these should be taken to government approved coal-powered stations.
Block up chimneys.
IT IS SAFE to burn snow.
Wrap hanging tinsel carefully in black or grey binliners.
Wear safety gloves when dealing with carrots or straw.
Disconnect all doorbells and alarm clocks.
Pour fizzy drinks down the drain.
Staple shut ALL turkeys.
Burn all recordings of conspirator and Santaist Chris De Burgh: It is feared these may contain subliminal messages. Consult your GP for advice.
And most of all, have a merry Christmas!

Conclusion: Who has been bad and who has been good and who decides?

More than a few reports from parents in western Europe and North America indicate that Claus, on delivery of presents to households, has engaged in various sexual assaults on girls and boys in their own beds, regardless of whether or not they have been good or bad. A spate of burglaries and an increase in violence in homes over the 24-25th December in recent years has also been charted in this period by various study teams. He also takes toys from children of the government representatives, telling leaders they must comply to his demands. Analysis indicates that how the ‘goodness’ or ‘badness’ of children is determined is arbitrarily decided upon, with the children of the Gaza Strip being kept on the ‘Bad Boys/Girls List’ indefinitely. (For example, the dropping of white phosphorous on Gaza on Christmas Eve) The reasons for this are unclear, but as is explored earlier in the text, we feel Claus exploits the impoverishment of these nations and withholds toys for the nations’ children in order to broker deals with said nations’ governments.

Any attempt to list Santa's war crimes would be incomplete, and we recommend an independent survey with this area as its focus. This is our major finding of this report and the Commission recognises the help of the charity Common Purpose UK in their generous donation of £11,000,000.

After discussion about the findings of this report with the Right Honourable Peter Mandelson, Jack Straw, Alan Johnson and opposition leader David Cameron the following steps were undertaken. It was declared with much thought that full research be implemented of this private record by notifying UK citizens in the creation of a supplemental leaflet, "What To Do In The Case Of A Santa Attack." It should be written in terms they'll understand and distributed to every household.

Since we began our research, Lapland has been closed down and the remaining elves processed and rehoused in pier-side containment. With Santa on the run, Christmas has been cancelled by order of government as it is feared He may be gearing up for a Christmas offensive.

Peter Mandelson, with the aid of BAE Systems, has taken command of military operations and strategy. They have initiated search-and-destroy missions in Afghanistan, Pakistan, East Timor and all Texaco filling stations with sandwich shelves. Noel Edmonds has been arrested in connection with subversive activities.

(ii) In Profile: Mrs Claus

Mary Goody nee Claus was a renowned early suffragette who disappeared from London society when she met Claus (then Reyes Magos). The two married in 1849. Initially seduced by his magical charms, in wedlock she came to know an aging substance user and domestic abuser, high on bottled raven adrenalin. Visits by associate Krampus made matters worse when the 1880s economic crash hit hard on their Lapland Ranch. The two insisted Mary retrieve cigarette butts from all the bins for recycling. This must have been particularly trying for the feminist, especially as data shows particularly harsh winters that decade. The years began to take their toll so it was no surprise when in 1888 she was trampled near to death by a Taunton.
At first, Santa considered stepping down so a replacement could take on the role and marry his offspring. Then, he considered marrying his own daughter. Counselled by Krampus, he gave his consent for the incubus demon to impregnate Mary's frozen remains. Using voodoo ice sculptures, microwave technologies and nanotech developed from their business resources, Mrs Mary Claus was reanimated at the cost of her daughter's life. The form that emerged was one more subservient and tolerant of the rampages of living with Claus and developed a crueler streak. The three would outdo one another in fiendish schemes. This came to a head when Mary developed a remote control device for an iceberg which sank the HMS Titanic in 1912. Santa and Krampus realised they would have to reign her in, and she was transferred to the Finance Department. Scholars state that this successfully curbed Nicholas' own excesses. In the 1960s the second wave of Woman's Liberation triggered flashbacks to her feminist persona and she began stalking Bob Dylan. She gave the order for the invasion of Vietnam to encourage the performer to return to acoustic performances and claimed Vietnam did not sit with her colour scheme. She also ordered the BBC erase all tapes of Patrick Troughton as Doctor Who, believing him to be a resistance fighter broadcasting coded information on their swiss bank accounts. Mary Claus was successfully captured during Operation Blizzard earlier this year and is in training for a law post with Carter and Ruck of London.


(iii) Random Local Case Sudy: Northern Ireland

One representative sample of a global power base suburb was carried out in the small realm of Northern Island were many well-known personalities have pledged their allegiance to the cartel. These include a mind-controlled Pamela Ballyntyne and Noel Thompson. Inspector Keith Burnside has acted as an enforcer, utilising his broadcasts Scene Around Six, Police Six and The Bill to round up young offenders who had upturned shoes. One notable victim of Burnside included the late showbusiness personality Jim Megaw. After losing his job to Claus' Tescopoly, Megaw was sentenced to Alcatraz after being caught on the grounds of 'Crazy Prices' centres careering Santa's trolleys into one another. Broadly however, many cartel sponsors on the Northern Island scene are freemasons who like to help out, or Scientologists who believe in the practice of masturbatory behaviourism.

Section V: Profiling Santa's Cartel

(i) Santa and Neo-Conservatism



In 1970, Nicholas formed a political think tank based on subversion of the philosophies of Leo Strauss with early converts including Strauss' ex-student, Paul Wolfowitz, arrest warrant fugitive Henry Kissinger, G. Gordon Liddy and J. Edgar Hoover’s dressmaker. In the 1980s, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were to join them, combining their ideals into the basis of Neo-Conservatism.

Each year in the West, they fund the paramilitary Santa Volunteer Force employing the use of bells in subliminal Pavlovian conditioning to imprint their will on the people. These 'Coke fiends' became employees for life, with sleeper cells in the UK and beyond. Accompanied by an army of genetic clones, they are carefully placed to cover their tracks and are purported to have links to MK-Ultra operations. With the aim of pushing Claus' liquid cocaine into every home in existence, the people would be made docile by 'bad coke' until times of war when they became Manchurian Candidates awakened to enact slaughter. Ripe for the picking by the government and establishment. Not questioning the laws, they are easily scared and allow their freedom and liberties to be eaten away. 'Undesirables’ were placed in secret jails so as not to upset the morally pure equilibrium. Many of these ideas were made manifest in the foreign and domestic policy of Nixon, Reagan and Bush administrations. South America was the main base to manufacture and Claus had been toppling regimes since the 1970s through his School of the Americas in Florida. The recent hiring of these figures to advise Obama is being watched carefully. At the next rung of the Claus Cartel, are other figures interested in advancing The Project for a New American Century such as Steven Seagal and Dustin Diamond. These men work alongside Gary Glitter and Karl Rove as well as Tesco representatives Tony Blair and John Ashcroft. At the lower levels of the ladder, Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park act as street distributors and enforcers for the Claus empire.

Operation Blizzard was launched on the caves of Lapland between January and March of 2009 and although it failed to capture Claus it was notable in rounding up a number of key players and providing further intel. In undertaking this rescue mission, allied forces were provided with a key set of fifty-two laminated fact notes on rheindeers such as Dancer and Prancer, the ravens Hugin and Munin, elf lieutenants, Krampus, Kim Jong-il and the Claus couple. There have been many reported sightings of Santa. We have looked into the reports of journalists and CIA and MI5 both, have offered us their various photo archives on Santa. However, there are irregularities and as you can see from Fig.6 evidence is clear that there are at least five different Santas linked with official statements.

New Developments

We interrupt the printing of the White Paper with some updates since its publication.

An unsuccessful assassination attempt on Santa which shows he still has connections in high places. (Associated Press, 3rd December)

Corroborating research on the risk Santa poses, by Dr. Grills of Monash University (Herald Sun, 18th December)

Also, the authors of this blog were consulted by HM Government to produce the short information leaflet, What To Do In Case Of A Santa Attack (HM Gov, 19th December)

From Grotto to Ghetto

From January to July, weapons were tested on elves physiology as part of the contracts with BAE Systems and Lockheed Martin. In return, Santa had been helped to re-tool his sleigh with depleted uranium and by Christmas 1990, inside sources indicate that he had abandoned it altogether, preferring a stealth bomber. Furthermore, confirmed reports emerged from the carnival, Bohemian Grove, of sex slaves and snuff movies projected on the large screen. It is believed special guest Jack Straw MP was encouraged to masturbate at the sight of these and he had "a jolly good time".

Dispersed elves not cut down in the fierce weather, commercial traps or hunting wolves with rotor blades, had made their way to the offices of various human rights agencies. Despite objections within Amnesty International that elves aren't actually human, they undertook to report. This detailed the sweatshop conditions, and led to a follow-up expanded survey by action group, No Sweat! Corporate Watch also responded providing an incomplete report, adding the provisory of having real work to do. A notable early success came in 1994 when Supply Chain Digest News was implicated in cover ups of abuses of elves rights. Yet it was the infringement of animal rights including rheindeer-rape that led to PETA's involvement.

It is believed that the President had held off on earlier action against Lapland because of business interests and he had Santa confused with Monsanto. On their fiftieth report to congress in 2008, PETA convinced President Bush, in his last week in office, to take action.

"That damn Osanta Claus Has Laden made me look like a combination of Mickey Mouse."
- GW Bush, January 19, 2009

With UN Intelligence having been in standby mode since the information first made it to them in 1991, it was agreed a joint ally strike would be given priority for later that week. Santa had known for some years this was coming and had made his getaway. Troops unearthed bodies in walled up sections of the caves, were elf corpses hung in velvet stockings.

Bibliography

Duanthus (October 2004) My Time In The Lapland Munitions Factories, Readers Digest
Icke, D. (2003) I love you, Even you Santa, David Icke Books
Pernitis (1999) Pernitis: Elf Survivor - My Torture, Delivery and Salvation, Poundstretcher Publications
Ronson, J. (2001) The Men Who Stare At Rheindeers, BBC

Section IV: Breaking Labour Laws - The Elves Narrative

From Grotto to Ghetto

Claus' involvement in child sex rings extends to the production of snuff films involving both human and elf children. Usually the elf children who are candidates for summary executions are kept aside for starring roles in these films. Another branch of the films Claus produces are centred round beastiality featuring his reindeer. We have received more than a few reports from elves who claim to have seen these films, and they confirm that Claus uses his reindeer to sodomise elf children, and sometimes elf women. This may explain Claus’s press release from four years ago detailing the mysterious death of Rudolf from “unexplained blood loss.”

On the eve of May 3rd 1982, after the illegal sinking of the ARA General Belgrano, the Elves Trade Union (ETU) decided to launch pro-active operations. Early industrial sabotage resulted in disappearances and public punishments. Multiple eyewitness reports state that around March 30th 1984, several prominent activists including Sleipnir the horse, were publicly humiliated and tortured. Tied up and calm before the judgement, Sleipnir was paraded around the cavern with a black hood and the word 'Ass' written across it in pink fluid. When Santa tied him up he remained calm, despite seeing several co-conspirators tied to his hind legs. The steed was then injected with a substance which within minutes set off epileptic convulsions trampling the elves behind him. Santa then did a jig, shouted "Eggnog!" and told the elves to return to work or there would be more eggnog.

From this period on, the ETU looked into long-term plans for revolt, culminating in the completion of an escape route from the fortress. Initial escapee numbers in January 1990 were low, with elves fearing reprisals against their comrades. However, Santa, red-faced and unable to see past his prodigous girth appeared complacent. With no signals from the escapees, resistance leaders moved another ten from the factories around January of the following year. In Early May 1996, a mass breakout of several hundred elves occurred. This was timed to coincide with Santa's attendance at the CIBC Leadership Centre for a Bilderberg Group meeting in King City, Ontario, Canada, were he gave a presentation entitled 'Organising Antarcticism'.