(ii) Santa’s Recent Financial Status

After the fall of the Berlin Wall, Claus’ fortunes changed dramatically. Figures released in 1992, referred to as Dossier 2Q state that a group of bankers with links to the Carlyle Group and other members of the Indy 4000 show that the place of Lapland on The World FTSE Index is a result of fraudulent information. These unearthed reports show that Lapland has been operating at a six billion trillion debt and had gained no profit in the last ten years. It looked like the game was up for Claus. Administrators were closing in and he had to take prompt evasive action.

Fortuitously in 1993 the International Monetary Fund (IMF) opened up Africa to free trade. Not one to miss a trick Claus set the wheels in motion devising a plan to strip African nations of their resources and thus return his fortune to its former glory.

Claus, along with IMF economists, set about drawing up an economic plan for failing African nations. Firstly they approached the highly corrupt and impressionable Rwandan president Kalharri proposing to him he sell off his country’s mineral and diamond resources for a song: a personal 10% commission paid into a Swiss bank account they had set up for him.

When this was secured the country was opened for speculators to invest in real estate and currency. But when Claus employed the services of special forces mercenaries to stoke civil war in the region investors fled with their money leaving interest rates sleighing the stratosphere. This allowed Claus to buy up what remained of Rwandan land and resources for next to nothing. Claus performed his coup de grace then, controlling the import of food and using his mercenaries to destroy the water board infrastructure. The majority of the country was pushed into a state of complete impoverishment. He then picked off the remaining assets, including the lucrative Rwandan diamond mines.

These evil manoeuvrings by Claus were replicated throughout Africa and Southern Asia mainly in Indonesia and Thailand. By the end of the 1990’s Claus’ bank balance was back to their bloated dimensions.

(iii) Santa’s Involvement with the International Drugs Trade

The war in Afghanistan provided Claus with a further opportunity to supplement his now extensive portfolio. Opium production in the Afghan poppy fields increased threefold since the NATO invasion. Evidence emerged that the CIA and MI6 are actively using allied troops to protect these opium crops, despite western governments’ pledges the activity would be severely curtailed. The fingerprints of Claus once again appeared, implicating him in the export of refined heroin onto the streets of Europe and North America.

Claus’ operations in Afghanistan has startling parallels with the Iran Contra Scandal of the early ‘80s. By utilising his contacts in the CIA, Claus set about employing a number of methods to transport refined heroin and cocaine into America and Europe. Many elf mules ingesting wraps of heroin were sent to meet with drug wholesalers in the US including Freeway Ricky Ross Jr., the son of the notorious drug runner of the same name. The use of elves in the 'ice runs' proved to be too risky, usually due to the packages bursting inside their bodies causing instant death and/or prolonged periods of induced mania. One tragic example of this was the incident involving American Airlines Flight 766 where a drug crazed child elf took over the controls in the cockpit and crashed said jumbo jet into an Bangladeshi orphanage. With incidents like this raising attention, Santa brought his reindeers in from pasture and for a while delivered the packages himself. This exercise however brought more undue attention in the media and alternative news websites, such as Prison Planet. Sightings of his sleigh in June led to speculation on what Claus was doing - eventually getting close to the truth of his heroin trafficking.

Section III: Santa Claus' Links With Secret Societies, Intel' Networks and International Drug Runners

(i) A Brief History of Crime

It was said by Robert Anton Wilson that the history of the world is really the history of the war between secret of societies. Or words to that effect.

A man who has oft involved himself in every aspect of this war is Santa Nicholas Claus. From garnering intelligence on the Communist empire of the USSR during the Cold War to being implicitly involved in the Kennedy assassination, Claus' hands are stained with the blood of thousands of intel' agents, political dissidents and heads of states from every corner of the earth.

The first recorded image of Santa appeared in 1881's Punch. In a feature by Thomas Nast who covered the end of the first Boer War, a photo appears clearly showing a bedraggled Claus dressed in a muddy torn poncho carrying armaments and a dead baby, which he appears to have taken a bite out of. The child’s entrails can be seen hanging from Claus’s mouth – and his already impressive beard appears to be matted with blood.

Reports subsequently surfaced of Claus and his entourage abducting young tribal children around the Cape Colony area and Kimberly. Some children’s bodies were found severely mutilated, while other children simply disappeared, never to be heard of again. While there are many theories as to why Claus involved himself in the first Boer War, no one can say with any certainty what his real motivations for being there were.

In the trenches of World War One, the historic football game of Christmas 1914 was replaced by a foggy phantasm of Santa's spectre delivering death in the form of shiny rocket baubles. The traditional image of White Rock beverages in 1915 was used by Santa to sell mineral water, then associating his image with ginger ale in 1923. During the onset of the prohibition law, Nicholas also took part in supplying illegal liquor to the racketeers. He gave Al Capone his famous scar when the gangster sought to cut him out of distribution rights for the beverages. In co-operation with Russian Intelligence Services we have learnt of suspicions that Nicholas was linked to smearing the first British Labour Government of 1924 with turkey fat. A recently unearthed diary of Ivanelf confirms these actions grew from a drunken rage over then premier Lloyd George's incessant harping for the New Years Honours List. The wishlist arrived at Lapland, forwarded by Timothy Lincoln and Maundy Gregory, although intended for The Queen. Agitated by Zinovieff's Christmas list which he had received on the same day, Nicholas cut and pasted the collection into a letter which he then sent to the British Foreign Office.

(iii) Claus' Contravention of Child Labour Laws

The imagery of the red shoe accompanying Santa everywhere is a violent reminder to slaves that the workplace is under his control. Its also indicative of a man with a serious foot fetish. If rumour is to be believed it was once used against him during an assassination plot when he was given as a gift a dynamite slipper. The attempt failed as the measurements were too wide and straight at the top.

One of the main areas where Claus breaks child labour laws concerns his drafting of children and child elves to manufacture his toys in workshops. Sources inform us that massive backlogs occur most years due to the unreliability of Santa’s global research and development teams tasked with making predictions on the next big toy craze. These incorrect predictions cause a rush to produce the actual popular toys and require hurried recruitment and training of infant elves. Claus pulled strings with His sources in the Chinese government to outsource to Beijing sweatshops, where children are also employed in appalling conditions. These conditions are replicated in Claus’s own toy workshops where child elves are required to work 48 hour shifts, often without breaks. They are fed once within each 24hr period. Due to their extremely slow metabolism they can function on this meagre sustenance and complete their work. Close exposure in handling these toxic lead toys apparently lead to painless deaths within six months to a year. Disabled children in the Third World are not so lucky.

Santa's eugenicist agenda is further revealed in the summary executions carried out on a daily basis in His workshops – with the weakest elf child usually the main fatality. It has been reported that other elf children are tasked with carrying out the executions with many instances of one child elf having to kill a brother or sister. Eyewitness reports convey this is done by hand, grinding lumps from coal stocks into their skinny green faces.

(ii) Geoccultography

One source has it that Santa is also known as Nicholas Van Scrag, a noted child catcher, banned from the Austro-Hungarian Empire after the position was outlawed by a Pro-Life group close to Joseph II.

During the pacification of Santafarian imagery, the postcode H0H 0H0 was affixed to the Canadian residence in the North Pole. In the code of The Order of the Golden Dawn this translates as "Fox Noose scream Obey Oh". The original postcode translated by the same system as "Granny's knitted purse". This was apparently the cause of some embarrassment to the 33rd degree mason at White Lodge meetings. The region was acquired by the Claus dynasty who according to Joscelyn Goodwin in Arktos, The Polar Myth thought it to be an "esoteric archetype of spiritual purity and transcendence". Henry Corbin notes the primary residence's place in Sufism and Iranian Mysticism. Mount Qaf, at the centre of this region, "whose ascent, like Dante's climbing of the Mountain of Purgatory, represents the pilgrim's progress." In Iranian philosophy, "places ablaze with immaterial matter". These aspects are utilised in the notorious meetings of The Hyperborean Group, made up of global elites which elect "the real one" every fifty years.

Despite this, black ops strikes were launched earlier this year, though proved futile given the harsh terrain and risks incurred in triggering Claus' attention. Among the rumours of Santa's current location, Tibet resurfaces for similar reasons as above. The Foreign Office could not confirm or deny the region's hierarchical position in the occultist's mindset. However, one of our sources did speak of Claus' interests in deposing Saturnalia and the other old gods who held major investments in cycles.


Bibliography

Corbin, H. (1998) Alone with the Alone, Princeton University Press