Thursday, 24 December 2009

Conclusion: Who has been bad and who has been good and who decides?

More than a few reports from parents in western Europe and North America indicate that Claus, on delivery of presents to households, has engaged in various sexual assaults on girls and boys in their own beds, regardless of whether or not they have been good or bad. A spate of burglaries and an increase in violence in homes over the 24-25th December in recent years has also been charted in this period by various study teams. He also takes toys from children of the government representatives, telling leaders they must comply to his demands. Analysis indicates that how the ‘goodness’ or ‘badness’ of children is determined is arbitrarily decided upon, with the children of the Gaza Strip being kept on the ‘Bad Boys/Girls List’ indefinitely. (For example, the dropping of white phosphorous on Gaza on Christmas Eve) The reasons for this are unclear, but as is explored earlier in the text, we feel Claus exploits the impoverishment of these nations and withholds toys for the nations’ children in order to broker deals with said nations’ governments.

Any attempt to list Santa's war crimes would be incomplete, and we recommend an independent survey with this area as its focus. This is our major finding of this report and the Commission recognises the help of the charity Common Purpose UK in their generous donation of £11,000,000.

After discussion about the findings of this report with the Right Honourable Peter Mandelson, Jack Straw, Alan Johnson and opposition leader David Cameron the following steps were undertaken. It was declared with much thought that full research be implemented of this private record by notifying UK citizens in the creation of a supplemental leaflet, "What To Do In The Case Of A Santa Attack." It should be written in terms they'll understand and distributed to every household.

Since we began our research, Lapland has been closed down and the remaining elves processed and rehoused in pier-side containment. With Santa on the run, Christmas has been cancelled by order of government as it is feared He may be gearing up for a Christmas offensive.

Peter Mandelson, with the aid of BAE Systems, has taken command of military operations and strategy. They have initiated search-and-destroy missions in Afghanistan, Pakistan, East Timor and all Texaco filling stations with sandwich shelves. Noel Edmonds has been arrested in connection with subversive activities.