Sunday, 20 December 2009

From Grotto to Ghetto

From January to July, weapons were tested on elves physiology as part of the contracts with BAE Systems and Lockheed Martin. In return, Santa had been helped to re-tool his sleigh with depleted uranium and by Christmas 1990, inside sources indicate that he had abandoned it altogether, preferring a stealth bomber. Furthermore, confirmed reports emerged from the carnival, Bohemian Grove, of sex slaves and snuff movies projected on the large screen. It is believed special guest Jack Straw MP was encouraged to masturbate at the sight of these and he had "a jolly good time".

Dispersed elves not cut down in the fierce weather, commercial traps or hunting wolves with rotor blades, had made their way to the offices of various human rights agencies. Despite objections within Amnesty International that elves aren't actually human, they undertook to report. This detailed the sweatshop conditions, and led to a follow-up expanded survey by action group, No Sweat! Corporate Watch also responded providing an incomplete report, adding the provisory of having real work to do. A notable early success came in 1994 when Supply Chain Digest News was implicated in cover ups of abuses of elves rights. Yet it was the infringement of animal rights including rheindeer-rape that led to PETA's involvement.

It is believed that the President had held off on earlier action against Lapland because of business interests and he had Santa confused with Monsanto. On their fiftieth report to congress in 2008, PETA convinced President Bush, in his last week in office, to take action.

"That damn Osanta Claus Has Laden made me look like a combination of Mickey Mouse."
- GW Bush, January 19, 2009

With UN Intelligence having been in standby mode since the information first made it to them in 1991, it was agreed a joint ally strike would be given priority for later that week. Santa had known for some years this was coming and had made his getaway. Troops unearthed bodies in walled up sections of the caves, were elf corpses hung in velvet stockings.


Duanthus (October 2004) My Time In The Lapland Munitions Factories, Readers Digest
Icke, D. (2003) I love you, Even you Santa, David Icke Books
Pernitis (1999) Pernitis: Elf Survivor - My Torture, Delivery and Salvation, Poundstretcher Publications
Ronson, J. (2001) The Men Who Stare At Rheindeers, BBC