We interrupt the printing of the White Paper with some updates since its publication.
An unsuccessful assassination attempt on Santa which shows he still has connections in high places. (Associated Press, 3rd December)
Corroborating research on the risk Santa poses, by Dr. Grills of Monash University (Herald Sun, 18th December)
Also, the authors of this blog were consulted by HM Government to produce the short information leaflet, What To Do In Case Of A Santa Attack (HM Gov, 19th December)
Showing posts with label elves. Show all posts
Showing posts with label elves. Show all posts
Monday, 21 December 2009
Sunday, 20 December 2009
From Grotto to Ghetto
From January to July, weapons were tested on elves physiology as part of the contracts with BAE Systems and Lockheed Martin. In return, Santa had been helped to re-tool his sleigh with depleted uranium and by Christmas 1990, inside sources indicate that he had abandoned it altogether, preferring a stealth bomber. Furthermore, confirmed reports emerged from the carnival, Bohemian Grove, of sex slaves and snuff movies projected on the large screen. It is believed special guest Jack Straw MP was encouraged to masturbate at the sight of these and he had "a jolly good time".
Dispersed elves not cut down in the fierce weather, commercial traps or hunting wolves with rotor blades, had made their way to the offices of various human rights agencies. Despite objections within Amnesty International that elves aren't actually human, they undertook to report. This detailed the sweatshop conditions, and led to a follow-up expanded survey by action group, No Sweat! Corporate Watch also responded providing an incomplete report, adding the provisory of having real work to do. A notable early success came in 1994 when Supply Chain Digest News was implicated in cover ups of abuses of elves rights. Yet it was the infringement of animal rights including rheindeer-rape that led to PETA's involvement.
It is believed that the President had held off on earlier action against Lapland because of business interests and he had Santa confused with Monsanto. On their fiftieth report to congress in 2008, PETA convinced President Bush, in his last week in office, to take action.
"That damn Osanta Claus Has Laden made me look like a combination of Mickey Mouse."
- GW Bush, January 19, 2009
With UN Intelligence having been in standby mode since the information first made it to them in 1991, it was agreed a joint ally strike would be given priority for later that week. Santa had known for some years this was coming and had made his getaway. Troops unearthed bodies in walled up sections of the caves, were elf corpses hung in velvet stockings.
Bibliography
Duanthus (October 2004) My Time In The Lapland Munitions Factories, Readers Digest
Icke, D. (2003) I love you, Even you Santa, David Icke Books
Pernitis (1999) Pernitis: Elf Survivor - My Torture, Delivery and Salvation, Poundstretcher Publications
Ronson, J. (2001) The Men Who Stare At Rheindeers, BBC
Dispersed elves not cut down in the fierce weather, commercial traps or hunting wolves with rotor blades, had made their way to the offices of various human rights agencies. Despite objections within Amnesty International that elves aren't actually human, they undertook to report. This detailed the sweatshop conditions, and led to a follow-up expanded survey by action group, No Sweat! Corporate Watch also responded providing an incomplete report, adding the provisory of having real work to do. A notable early success came in 1994 when Supply Chain Digest News was implicated in cover ups of abuses of elves rights. Yet it was the infringement of animal rights including rheindeer-rape that led to PETA's involvement.
It is believed that the President had held off on earlier action against Lapland because of business interests and he had Santa confused with Monsanto. On their fiftieth report to congress in 2008, PETA convinced President Bush, in his last week in office, to take action.
"That damn Osanta Claus Has Laden made me look like a combination of Mickey Mouse."
- GW Bush, January 19, 2009
With UN Intelligence having been in standby mode since the information first made it to them in 1991, it was agreed a joint ally strike would be given priority for later that week. Santa had known for some years this was coming and had made his getaway. Troops unearthed bodies in walled up sections of the caves, were elf corpses hung in velvet stockings.
Bibliography
Duanthus (October 2004) My Time In The Lapland Munitions Factories, Readers Digest
Icke, D. (2003) I love you, Even you Santa, David Icke Books
Pernitis (1999) Pernitis: Elf Survivor - My Torture, Delivery and Salvation, Poundstretcher Publications
Ronson, J. (2001) The Men Who Stare At Rheindeers, BBC
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Section IV: Breaking Labour Laws - The Elves Narrative
From Grotto to Ghetto
Claus' involvement in child sex rings extends to the production of snuff films involving both human and elf children. Usually the elf children who are candidates for summary executions are kept aside for starring roles in these films. Another branch of the films Claus produces are centred round beastiality featuring his reindeer. We have received more than a few reports from elves who claim to have seen these films, and they confirm that Claus uses his reindeer to sodomise elf children, and sometimes elf women. This may explain Claus’s press release from four years ago detailing the mysterious death of Rudolf from “unexplained blood loss.”
On the eve of May 3rd 1982, after the illegal sinking of the ARA General Belgrano, the Elves Trade Union (ETU) decided to launch pro-active operations. Early industrial sabotage resulted in disappearances and public punishments. Multiple eyewitness reports state that around March 30th 1984, several prominent activists including Sleipnir the horse, were publicly humiliated and tortured. Tied up and calm before the judgement, Sleipnir was paraded around the cavern with a black hood and the word 'Ass' written across it in pink fluid. When Santa tied him up he remained calm, despite seeing several co-conspirators tied to his hind legs. The steed was then injected with a substance which within minutes set off epileptic convulsions trampling the elves behind him. Santa then did a jig, shouted "Eggnog!" and told the elves to return to work or there would be more eggnog.
From this period on, the ETU looked into long-term plans for revolt, culminating in the completion of an escape route from the fortress. Initial escapee numbers in January 1990 were low, with elves fearing reprisals against their comrades. However, Santa, red-faced and unable to see past his prodigous girth appeared complacent. With no signals from the escapees, resistance leaders moved another ten from the factories around January of the following year. In Early May 1996, a mass breakout of several hundred elves occurred. This was timed to coincide with Santa's attendance at the CIBC Leadership Centre for a Bilderberg Group meeting in King City, Ontario, Canada, were he gave a presentation entitled 'Organising Antarcticism'.
Claus' involvement in child sex rings extends to the production of snuff films involving both human and elf children. Usually the elf children who are candidates for summary executions are kept aside for starring roles in these films. Another branch of the films Claus produces are centred round beastiality featuring his reindeer. We have received more than a few reports from elves who claim to have seen these films, and they confirm that Claus uses his reindeer to sodomise elf children, and sometimes elf women. This may explain Claus’s press release from four years ago detailing the mysterious death of Rudolf from “unexplained blood loss.”
On the eve of May 3rd 1982, after the illegal sinking of the ARA General Belgrano, the Elves Trade Union (ETU) decided to launch pro-active operations. Early industrial sabotage resulted in disappearances and public punishments. Multiple eyewitness reports state that around March 30th 1984, several prominent activists including Sleipnir the horse, were publicly humiliated and tortured. Tied up and calm before the judgement, Sleipnir was paraded around the cavern with a black hood and the word 'Ass' written across it in pink fluid. When Santa tied him up he remained calm, despite seeing several co-conspirators tied to his hind legs. The steed was then injected with a substance which within minutes set off epileptic convulsions trampling the elves behind him. Santa then did a jig, shouted "Eggnog!" and told the elves to return to work or there would be more eggnog.
From this period on, the ETU looked into long-term plans for revolt, culminating in the completion of an escape route from the fortress. Initial escapee numbers in January 1990 were low, with elves fearing reprisals against their comrades. However, Santa, red-faced and unable to see past his prodigous girth appeared complacent. With no signals from the escapees, resistance leaders moved another ten from the factories around January of the following year. In Early May 1996, a mass breakout of several hundred elves occurred. This was timed to coincide with Santa's attendance at the CIBC Leadership Centre for a Bilderberg Group meeting in King City, Ontario, Canada, were he gave a presentation entitled 'Organising Antarcticism'.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Section III: Santa Claus' Links With Secret Societies, Intel' Networks and International Drug Runners
(i) A Brief History of Crime
It was said by Robert Anton Wilson that the history of the world is really the history of the war between secret of societies. Or words to that effect.
A man who has oft involved himself in every aspect of this war is Santa Nicholas Claus. From garnering intelligence on the Communist empire of the USSR during the Cold War to being implicitly involved in the Kennedy assassination, Claus' hands are stained with the blood of thousands of intel' agents, political dissidents and heads of states from every corner of the earth.
The first recorded image of Santa appeared in 1881's Punch. In a feature by Thomas Nast who covered the end of the first Boer War, a photo appears clearly showing a bedraggled Claus dressed in a muddy torn poncho carrying armaments and a dead baby, which he appears to have taken a bite out of. The child’s entrails can be seen hanging from Claus’s mouth – and his already impressive beard appears to be matted with blood.
Reports subsequently surfaced of Claus and his entourage abducting young tribal children around the Cape Colony area and Kimberly. Some children’s bodies were found severely mutilated, while other children simply disappeared, never to be heard of again. While there are many theories as to why Claus involved himself in the first Boer War, no one can say with any certainty what his real motivations for being there were.
In the trenches of World War One, the historic football game of Christmas 1914 was replaced by a foggy phantasm of Santa's spectre delivering death in the form of shiny rocket baubles. The traditional image of White Rock beverages in 1915 was used by Santa to sell mineral water, then associating his image with ginger ale in 1923. During the onset of the prohibition law, Nicholas also took part in supplying illegal liquor to the racketeers. He gave Al Capone his famous scar when the gangster sought to cut him out of distribution rights for the beverages. In co-operation with Russian Intelligence Services we have learnt of suspicions that Nicholas was linked to smearing the first British Labour Government of 1924 with turkey fat. A recently unearthed diary of Ivanelf confirms these actions grew from a drunken rage over then premier Lloyd George's incessant harping for the New Years Honours List. The wishlist arrived at Lapland, forwarded by Timothy Lincoln and Maundy Gregory, although intended for The Queen. Agitated by Zinovieff's Christmas list which he had received on the same day, Nicholas cut and pasted the collection into a letter which he then sent to the British Foreign Office.
It was said by Robert Anton Wilson that the history of the world is really the history of the war between secret of societies. Or words to that effect.
A man who has oft involved himself in every aspect of this war is Santa Nicholas Claus. From garnering intelligence on the Communist empire of the USSR during the Cold War to being implicitly involved in the Kennedy assassination, Claus' hands are stained with the blood of thousands of intel' agents, political dissidents and heads of states from every corner of the earth.
The first recorded image of Santa appeared in 1881's Punch. In a feature by Thomas Nast who covered the end of the first Boer War, a photo appears clearly showing a bedraggled Claus dressed in a muddy torn poncho carrying armaments and a dead baby, which he appears to have taken a bite out of. The child’s entrails can be seen hanging from Claus’s mouth – and his already impressive beard appears to be matted with blood.
Reports subsequently surfaced of Claus and his entourage abducting young tribal children around the Cape Colony area and Kimberly. Some children’s bodies were found severely mutilated, while other children simply disappeared, never to be heard of again. While there are many theories as to why Claus involved himself in the first Boer War, no one can say with any certainty what his real motivations for being there were. In the trenches of World War One, the historic football game of Christmas 1914 was replaced by a foggy phantasm of Santa's spectre delivering death in the form of shiny rocket baubles. The traditional image of White Rock beverages in 1915 was used by Santa to sell mineral water, then associating his image with ginger ale in 1923. During the onset of the prohibition law, Nicholas also took part in supplying illegal liquor to the racketeers. He gave Al Capone his famous scar when the gangster sought to cut him out of distribution rights for the beverages. In co-operation with Russian Intelligence Services we have learnt of suspicions that Nicholas was linked to smearing the first British Labour Government of 1924 with turkey fat. A recently unearthed diary of Ivanelf confirms these actions grew from a drunken rage over then premier Lloyd George's incessant harping for the New Years Honours List. The wishlist arrived at Lapland, forwarded by Timothy Lincoln and Maundy Gregory, although intended for The Queen. Agitated by Zinovieff's Christmas list which he had received on the same day, Nicholas cut and pasted the collection into a letter which he then sent to the British Foreign Office.
Sunday, 13 December 2009
(iii) Claus' Contravention of Child Labour Laws
The imagery of the red shoe accompanying Santa everywhere is a violent reminder to slaves that the workplace is under his control. Its also indicative of a man with a serious foot fetish. If rumour is to be believed it was once used against him during an assassination plot when he was given as a gift a dynamite slipper. The attempt failed as the measurements were too wide and straight at the top.
One of the main areas where Claus breaks child labour laws concerns his drafting of children and child elves to manufacture his toys in workshops. Sources inform us that massive backlogs occur most years due to the unreliability of Santa’s global research and development teams tasked with making predictions on the next big toy craze. These incorrect predictions cause a rush to produce the actual popular toys and require hurried recruitment and training of infant elves. Claus pulled strings with His sources in the Chinese government to outsource to Beijing sweatshops, where children are also employed in appalling conditions. These conditions are replicated in Claus’s own toy workshops where child elves are required to work 48 hour shifts, often without breaks. They are fed once within each 24hr period. Due to their extremely slow metabolism they can function on this meagre sustenance and complete their work. Close exposure in handling these toxic lead toys apparently lead to painless deaths within six months to a year. Disabled children in the Third World are not so lucky.
Santa's eugenicist agenda is further revealed in the summary executions carried out on a daily basis in His workshops – with the weakest elf child usually the main fatality. It has been reported that other elf children are tasked with carrying out the executions with many instances of one child elf having to kill a brother or sister. Eyewitness reports convey this is done by hand, grinding lumps from coal stocks into their skinny green faces.
One of the main areas where Claus breaks child labour laws concerns his drafting of children and child elves to manufacture his toys in workshops. Sources inform us that massive backlogs occur most years due to the unreliability of Santa’s global research and development teams tasked with making predictions on the next big toy craze. These incorrect predictions cause a rush to produce the actual popular toys and require hurried recruitment and training of infant elves. Claus pulled strings with His sources in the Chinese government to outsource to Beijing sweatshops, where children are also employed in appalling conditions. These conditions are replicated in Claus’s own toy workshops where child elves are required to work 48 hour shifts, often without breaks. They are fed once within each 24hr period. Due to their extremely slow metabolism they can function on this meagre sustenance and complete their work. Close exposure in handling these toxic lead toys apparently lead to painless deaths within six months to a year. Disabled children in the Third World are not so lucky.
Santa's eugenicist agenda is further revealed in the summary executions carried out on a daily basis in His workshops – with the weakest elf child usually the main fatality. It has been reported that other elf children are tasked with carrying out the executions with many instances of one child elf having to kill a brother or sister. Eyewitness reports convey this is done by hand, grinding lumps from coal stocks into their skinny green faces.
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