Wednesday, 23 December 2009

(ii) In Profile: Mrs Claus

Mary Goody nee Claus was a renowned early suffragette who disappeared from London society when she met Claus (then Reyes Magos). The two married in 1849. Initially seduced by his magical charms, in wedlock she came to know an aging substance user and domestic abuser, high on bottled raven adrenalin. Visits by associate Krampus made matters worse when the 1880s economic crash hit hard on their Lapland Ranch. The two insisted Mary retrieve cigarette butts from all the bins for recycling. This must have been particularly trying for the feminist, especially as data shows particularly harsh winters that decade. The years began to take their toll so it was no surprise when in 1888 she was trampled near to death by a Taunton.
At first, Santa considered stepping down so a replacement could take on the role and marry his offspring. Then, he considered marrying his own daughter. Counselled by Krampus, he gave his consent for the incubus demon to impregnate Mary's frozen remains. Using voodoo ice sculptures, microwave technologies and nanotech developed from their business resources, Mrs Mary Claus was reanimated at the cost of her daughter's life. The form that emerged was one more subservient and tolerant of the rampages of living with Claus and developed a crueler streak. The three would outdo one another in fiendish schemes. This came to a head when Mary developed a remote control device for an iceberg which sank the HMS Titanic in 1912. Santa and Krampus realised they would have to reign her in, and she was transferred to the Finance Department. Scholars state that this successfully curbed Nicholas' own excesses. In the 1960s the second wave of Woman's Liberation triggered flashbacks to her feminist persona and she began stalking Bob Dylan. She gave the order for the invasion of Vietnam to encourage the performer to return to acoustic performances and claimed Vietnam did not sit with her colour scheme. She also ordered the BBC erase all tapes of Patrick Troughton as Doctor Who, believing him to be a resistance fighter broadcasting coded information on their swiss bank accounts. Mary Claus was successfully captured during Operation Blizzard earlier this year and is in training for a law post with Carter and Ruck of London.

(iii) Random Local Case Sudy: Northern Ireland

One representative sample of a global power base suburb was carried out in the small realm of Northern Island were many well-known personalities have pledged their allegiance to the cartel. These include a mind-controlled Pamela Ballyntyne and Noel Thompson. Inspector Keith Burnside has acted as an enforcer, utilising his broadcasts Scene Around Six, Police Six and The Bill to round up young offenders who had upturned shoes. One notable victim of Burnside included the late showbusiness personality Jim Megaw. After losing his job to Claus' Tescopoly, Megaw was sentenced to Alcatraz after being caught on the grounds of 'Crazy Prices' centres careering Santa's trolleys into one another. Broadly however, many cartel sponsors on the Northern Island scene are freemasons who like to help out, or Scientologists who believe in the practice of masturbatory behaviourism.

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