Monday, 7 December 2009

Section I: Marketing and Propaganda: The Coca-Cola Connection

(i) The Coca-Cola Connection

Employed to a management position by Joseph Pemberton in the 1890s, Santa moved to the United States. As has been well documented, He discovered the full potential of cocaine in Coca-Cola and proceeded to addict children to the medicine, a trick replicated by his clients Sigmund Freud and Edward Bernays in tobacco distribution. Using the full funds and technology at the Coca-Cola company’s disposal he was able to fly around the world in one night and put cocaine in children’s stockings. In his red suit, Nicholas was to become the face of White Rock beverages and Coca-Cola, referred to as Santa Claus thereafter. Cocaine was removed from the formula in 1903 and replaced with talcum powder instead.

The range of operations of Claus-Krampus Plc has been accelerating rapidly since the creation of Fanta in the 1940s and has perpetrated the Nazi legacy since. In 2002, Fanta was controversially linked with the white slave trade and island brothels. In April of this year, vice police sent their fifth confirmed report to the US Department of Justice strongly advising a sting operation, and relocation of the inmates to Guantanamo Bay. A shipment of polar bears brought to the island by a cruel gambling ring, had died in the extreme heat.

Laboratory analysis of Fanta by the Cophenhagen Institute reveal a predilection towards traditional methods of manufacture. Fanta is a concoction of two main elements: Snow, removed from the icecaps and 70% trace urine. New forensic evidence supplied through studying the sexual violation of rheindeers and elves unmistakably link it to that of Santa's phallus Mjolnir. Among the children of El Salvador, exposure to the raw untreated sugar cane has resulted in dehydration, thirst, lung damage, bee-stings and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)

HRW (Human Rights Watch) reports state Claus-Coke's child supply chain should be removed and the situation monitored, with recommendations for alternative support programmes. In 2004, the UN condemned harvesting in El Salvador and Lapland as the most dangerous uses of child labour. Claus-Coke responded in 2008 stating it is working towards finding a solution. Furthermore, they recommended that something should be done about the child labour issue. They pledged 20% of their budget from Mexican expenditure (their global highest) towards a solution. However in intervening years, shocking reports emerged that trucks bearing the brand insignia and Nicholas image' were covertly engaged in people trafficking and bound for Nejapa in El Salvador.

Dangerous acidity with toxic levels of carcinogen cadmium and kidney failure have been linked to these products by the Joint Parliamentary Committee in India. In Kaldera, rivers run dry up to 47% of the time, owing to Claus Industries process of 02 hoarding. Companies House informs us that Claus subsidiary Krampus Caps has responsibility for pumps and irrigation. In 2001 the CEO appeared on Democracy Now with the following statement,

We've conferred with community reps at Kaldera and Plachimada-ha-ha. As a reward for their hard work, we were moved to place farmers with 'Ways to Lunch'. This is a new program aimed at improving the area by providing free fertiliser made by our factories. It will supplement the availability of local produce. We've also instituted a number of management positions for locals so that all will celebrate the Great Feast of Saint Nick! Its so Christmassy, its Turkey, its going to be a gas!

When asked by Amy Goodman about the drought and damage to water levels, and the link with social unrest, Krampus had this to say on corporate social responsibility,

Ho-Oh-No. I've been down there and personally expected the pumps myself. I will of course be commissioning the very nice Teri and her hard-working and independent study board to re-evaluate the problem. I over-saw the pump installation and supply lines myself. If people are fighting, its because they can't get enough of that great great taste! Jubilate Deo!

Krampus also has responsibility for Columbian plant management.

As historical appendix to this section, it is worth mentioning a retail related incident from 1958. Staff at Sears Roebuck in Colorado Springs with anti-McCarthyite agendas, stumbled upon links between Santa and the Continental Air Defense Command. The confidential information was then published as a 'Santa Hotline' which children were encouraged to ring on Chrsitmas Eve. It was not until after Boxing Day, when authorities returning from vacation that they sought to spin the story into an "accidental misdial" and promote a Santa tracker as a public relations device. That Christmas Eve almost brought Russia and The West to push their red buttons. Norad was created soon after, to equally placate the public and Russia, yet it too served its own ends. The staff at that store were relocated, to parts unknown.

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