Saturday, 19 December 2009

Section IV: Breaking Labour Laws - The Elves Narrative

From Grotto to Ghetto

Claus' involvement in child sex rings extends to the production of snuff films involving both human and elf children. Usually the elf children who are candidates for summary executions are kept aside for starring roles in these films. Another branch of the films Claus produces are centred round beastiality featuring his reindeer. We have received more than a few reports from elves who claim to have seen these films, and they confirm that Claus uses his reindeer to sodomise elf children, and sometimes elf women. This may explain Claus’s press release from four years ago detailing the mysterious death of Rudolf from “unexplained blood loss.”

On the eve of May 3rd 1982, after the illegal sinking of the ARA General Belgrano, the Elves Trade Union (ETU) decided to launch pro-active operations. Early industrial sabotage resulted in disappearances and public punishments. Multiple eyewitness reports state that around March 30th 1984, several prominent activists including Sleipnir the horse, were publicly humiliated and tortured. Tied up and calm before the judgement, Sleipnir was paraded around the cavern with a black hood and the word 'Ass' written across it in pink fluid. When Santa tied him up he remained calm, despite seeing several co-conspirators tied to his hind legs. The steed was then injected with a substance which within minutes set off epileptic convulsions trampling the elves behind him. Santa then did a jig, shouted "Eggnog!" and told the elves to return to work or there would be more eggnog.

From this period on, the ETU looked into long-term plans for revolt, culminating in the completion of an escape route from the fortress. Initial escapee numbers in January 1990 were low, with elves fearing reprisals against their comrades. However, Santa, red-faced and unable to see past his prodigous girth appeared complacent. With no signals from the escapees, resistance leaders moved another ten from the factories around January of the following year. In Early May 1996, a mass breakout of several hundred elves occurred. This was timed to coincide with Santa's attendance at the CIBC Leadership Centre for a Bilderberg Group meeting in King City, Ontario, Canada, were he gave a presentation entitled 'Organising Antarcticism'.

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