(v) Santa’s Involvement with International Ponzi Schemes

In what has to be one of Claus most dastardly schemes he created an international Ponzi scheme, ‘Crinkle’s Christmas Cash Cornucopia’, which played on the fears of many middle/lower income families facing the credit crunch in the run up to Christmas. When the full extent of the credit crunch became common knowledge and investors tried to withdraw their money Claus transferred the money to his creditors and other Swiss accounts he had opened.

Upon deeper investigation by Dr. Freamon, remaining funds were allocated to twelve departments and seven subsidiaries. Each of these were headed by Claus who had sole authorisation and access to the accounts. The Cornucopia was referred to by Private Eye magazine as a "Christmas Tree Pyramid Scheme" In an effort to appease a Commons Select Committee, He agreed to transfer responsibility for access to others. However, each of these nineteen were under the names of his different aliases.

(vi) Turf War

In 2006, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals group condemned the strategic genocide of the mammal Leporidae. Splayed and eviscerated rabbits were found the previous December, stretching from the Nordic regions, Canada, across Russia, Algeria, China and South America. Later, suspicions were aroused that this was some form of Satanic abuse with links to Al-Qaeda. However, analyses from Norad and then Google Earth revealed an astonishing pattern.



The 'J' pattern of bodies found in the Australian Dreaming is a reference to the intended recipient, Jesus. It has since been confirmed by Ecumenicipol that Claus sent the warning message in his position as godfather, as a reminder to rival Christ to stay off his turf.

(iv) Following the Money

Many CIA intelligence analysts were at a loss to understand why Claus had such an interest in exporting Heroin from Afghanistan. It was the sterling work of investigative reporter Barry Stringer (now deceased after an apparent suicide) that ascertained that Claus was in fact funnelling the money he made off the back of the booming Heroin trade in the United States into Taliban coffers; thus keeping the insurgents well armed, well funded and more importantly, keeping the war going indefinitely into the 2010’s.

Claus shares in Haliburton and BAE Systems were riding at a premium by the end of 2008. Speculators predict Claus would sell of his shares some time around the end of 2011 before the much touted withdrawal of allied troops.

The manifestation of a large lake in Giza, Egypt in 2006 was originally dismissed as pollution through its sewage-like appearance. However Dr. Lester Freamon links this to papers found in Lapland relating to transport costs and the commissioning of a Toblerone 755 ft sides and 481 ft tall. He theorises a failed espionage operation in this case. Receipts were also found from Minibars Inc. for four million individual ferrero rocher with corroborating wrappers. Investigation of records during the seizure this Feburary revealed that outgoings for presents were allocated to rich children only. The Lapland Vaults were empty but for three chocolate coins, two golden fleece and Jason the Argonaut's decapitated corpse buried in the frozen soil of an old pear tree.

(ii) Santa’s Recent Financial Status

After the fall of the Berlin Wall, Claus’ fortunes changed dramatically. Figures released in 1992, referred to as Dossier 2Q state that a group of bankers with links to the Carlyle Group and other members of the Indy 4000 show that the place of Lapland on The World FTSE Index is a result of fraudulent information. These unearthed reports show that Lapland has been operating at a six billion trillion debt and had gained no profit in the last ten years. It looked like the game was up for Claus. Administrators were closing in and he had to take prompt evasive action.

Fortuitously in 1993 the International Monetary Fund (IMF) opened up Africa to free trade. Not one to miss a trick Claus set the wheels in motion devising a plan to strip African nations of their resources and thus return his fortune to its former glory.

Claus, along with IMF economists, set about drawing up an economic plan for failing African nations. Firstly they approached the highly corrupt and impressionable Rwandan president Kalharri proposing to him he sell off his country’s mineral and diamond resources for a song: a personal 10% commission paid into a Swiss bank account they had set up for him.

When this was secured the country was opened for speculators to invest in real estate and currency. But when Claus employed the services of special forces mercenaries to stoke civil war in the region investors fled with their money leaving interest rates sleighing the stratosphere. This allowed Claus to buy up what remained of Rwandan land and resources for next to nothing. Claus performed his coup de grace then, controlling the import of food and using his mercenaries to destroy the water board infrastructure. The majority of the country was pushed into a state of complete impoverishment. He then picked off the remaining assets, including the lucrative Rwandan diamond mines.

These evil manoeuvrings by Claus were replicated throughout Africa and Southern Asia mainly in Indonesia and Thailand. By the end of the 1990’s Claus’ bank balance was back to their bloated dimensions.

(iii) Santa’s Involvement with the International Drugs Trade

The war in Afghanistan provided Claus with a further opportunity to supplement his now extensive portfolio. Opium production in the Afghan poppy fields increased threefold since the NATO invasion. Evidence emerged that the CIA and MI6 are actively using allied troops to protect these opium crops, despite western governments’ pledges the activity would be severely curtailed. The fingerprints of Claus once again appeared, implicating him in the export of refined heroin onto the streets of Europe and North America.

Claus’ operations in Afghanistan has startling parallels with the Iran Contra Scandal of the early ‘80s. By utilising his contacts in the CIA, Claus set about employing a number of methods to transport refined heroin and cocaine into America and Europe. Many elf mules ingesting wraps of heroin were sent to meet with drug wholesalers in the US including Freeway Ricky Ross Jr., the son of the notorious drug runner of the same name. The use of elves in the 'ice runs' proved to be too risky, usually due to the packages bursting inside their bodies causing instant death and/or prolonged periods of induced mania. One tragic example of this was the incident involving American Airlines Flight 766 where a drug crazed child elf took over the controls in the cockpit and crashed said jumbo jet into an Bangladeshi orphanage. With incidents like this raising attention, Santa brought his reindeers in from pasture and for a while delivered the packages himself. This exercise however brought more undue attention in the media and alternative news websites, such as Prison Planet. Sightings of his sleigh in June led to speculation on what Claus was doing - eventually getting close to the truth of his heroin trafficking.

Santa: A Brief History of Crime

The currency of competing intel' agencies is blackmail and subterfuge. No type of blackmail is more valuable and effective in the right hands than sex blackmail. In 1943 the compromising of Claus by the Office of Strategic Services (OSS) using sex blackmail, set him on a 50 year journey of deep espionage and state sabotage, that would see even his conscience pricked on more than one occasion.

At the time Claus was heavily involved in the Thule Society after it had been revived by founder Walter Nauhaus. It was Nauhaus who saw the publicity that would be generated by the recruitment of Claus as a member, and Claus took on his role within the society with much gusto. It was he who reiterated the origins of the word 'Thule' and referenced ancient Greek poet Virgil who cited Thule as being 'a land located...in the furthest north' now seen as Scandinavia.

In 1942 Claus along with members of the society led an expedition to the fabled land of Hyperboria (of which Thule is said to be the capital), along with members of the Nazi party. He later played host to Rudolf Hess, Hans Frank and Josef Mengle in his palatial house in Lapland. It is believed by many that Claus' favourite reindeer was named Rudolf after Hess, who also took a shine to him.

It was at this shindig that Claus permitted Mengle to carry out rudimentary mind control tricks on his elves, a parlour trick which quickly descended into a vicious homoerotic orgy led by some of the more violent and predatory Nazi homosexuals of the group. But also among the group was an OSS double agent who documented the debasement of the elves with a concealed camera. Months later this evidence was presented to Claus, and he was informed that if he did not comply with the instructions of Allied intel' networks he would be brought up at the Nuremberg trials and accused of Nazi collaboration. Claus' options were thus limited and he gave the Allies all the intelligence they needed on top secret Nazi programmes that were being run out of Lapland, including locations and personnel involved. Many retired MI-6 agents now acknowledge the role Claus' information played in ending World War 2.


After WW2, Lapland was ceded into the Soviet Union. Santa's deals with IBM, the Union Banking Corporation and Prescott Sheldon Bush made him so rich that only Iceland concerned him in the geographical power struggle. He kept trolls as allies but set them to war with the elves. This allowed him to greater levy provision of protectionism in exchange for their labour. Claus thereafter remained on the periphery of the Cold War occasionally feeding the west with intel’ on the USSR’s nuclear capabilities and, on Christmas Eve dropping pro-western literature over East Berlin.

His journey from the Cold War era until the modern day post-Neoconservative world is dealt with in following sections of this report, notably in the section on Santa's cartel. To write about it here all over again would be a bit bloody stupid and a waste of everyone's time now wouldn't it?


Bibliography

Curtis, A. (2007) St. Nicholas and the Nazis: From Santa to Swastikas, BBC

Daniels, J. (1973) Santa, Capone and Chicago's Bootlegging Legacy, Bargain Books

Jones, A. (1997) TerrorClaus: A Secret History of Santa Claus' War Crimes and Banking Crimes and What he plans for the 21st Century from the heart of his Global Elite Lapland Fortress Investigation That Will Shock In My New Unique Film, InfoWars Films

Section III: Santa Claus' Links With Secret Societies, Intel' Networks and International Drug Runners

(i) A Brief History of Crime

It was said by Robert Anton Wilson that the history of the world is really the history of the war between secret of societies. Or words to that effect.

A man who has oft involved himself in every aspect of this war is Santa Nicholas Claus. From garnering intelligence on the Communist empire of the USSR during the Cold War to being implicitly involved in the Kennedy assassination, Claus' hands are stained with the blood of thousands of intel' agents, political dissidents and heads of states from every corner of the earth.

The first recorded image of Santa appeared in 1881's Punch. In a feature by Thomas Nast who covered the end of the first Boer War, a photo appears clearly showing a bedraggled Claus dressed in a muddy torn poncho carrying armaments and a dead baby, which he appears to have taken a bite out of. The child’s entrails can be seen hanging from Claus’s mouth – and his already impressive beard appears to be matted with blood.

Reports subsequently surfaced of Claus and his entourage abducting young tribal children around the Cape Colony area and Kimberly. Some children’s bodies were found severely mutilated, while other children simply disappeared, never to be heard of again. While there are many theories as to why Claus involved himself in the first Boer War, no one can say with any certainty what his real motivations for being there were.

In the trenches of World War One, the historic football game of Christmas 1914 was replaced by a foggy phantasm of Santa's spectre delivering death in the form of shiny rocket baubles. The traditional image of White Rock beverages in 1915 was used by Santa to sell mineral water, then associating his image with ginger ale in 1923. During the onset of the prohibition law, Nicholas also took part in supplying illegal liquor to the racketeers. He gave Al Capone his famous scar when the gangster sought to cut him out of distribution rights for the beverages. In co-operation with Russian Intelligence Services we have learnt of suspicions that Nicholas was linked to smearing the first British Labour Government of 1924 with turkey fat. A recently unearthed diary of Ivanelf confirms these actions grew from a drunken rage over then premier Lloyd George's incessant harping for the New Years Honours List. The wishlist arrived at Lapland, forwarded by Timothy Lincoln and Maundy Gregory, although intended for The Queen. Agitated by Zinovieff's Christmas list which he had received on the same day, Nicholas cut and pasted the collection into a letter which he then sent to the British Foreign Office.