Wednesday, 16 December 2009

(ii) Santa’s Recent Financial Status

After the fall of the Berlin Wall, Claus’ fortunes changed dramatically. Figures released in 1992, referred to as Dossier 2Q state that a group of bankers with links to the Carlyle Group and other members of the Indy 4000 show that the place of Lapland on The World FTSE Index is a result of fraudulent information. These unearthed reports show that Lapland has been operating at a six billion trillion debt and had gained no profit in the last ten years. It looked like the game was up for Claus. Administrators were closing in and he had to take prompt evasive action.

Fortuitously in 1993 the International Monetary Fund (IMF) opened up Africa to free trade. Not one to miss a trick Claus set the wheels in motion devising a plan to strip African nations of their resources and thus return his fortune to its former glory.

Claus, along with IMF economists, set about drawing up an economic plan for failing African nations. Firstly they approached the highly corrupt and impressionable Rwandan president Kalharri proposing to him he sell off his country’s mineral and diamond resources for a song: a personal 10% commission paid into a Swiss bank account they had set up for him.

When this was secured the country was opened for speculators to invest in real estate and currency. But when Claus employed the services of special forces mercenaries to stoke civil war in the region investors fled with their money leaving interest rates sleighing the stratosphere. This allowed Claus to buy up what remained of Rwandan land and resources for next to nothing. Claus performed his coup de grace then, controlling the import of food and using his mercenaries to destroy the water board infrastructure. The majority of the country was pushed into a state of complete impoverishment. He then picked off the remaining assets, including the lucrative Rwandan diamond mines.

These evil manoeuvrings by Claus were replicated throughout Africa and Southern Asia mainly in Indonesia and Thailand. By the end of the 1990’s Claus’ bank balance was back to their bloated dimensions.

(iii) Santa’s Involvement with the International Drugs Trade

The war in Afghanistan provided Claus with a further opportunity to supplement his now extensive portfolio. Opium production in the Afghan poppy fields increased threefold since the NATO invasion. Evidence emerged that the CIA and MI6 are actively using allied troops to protect these opium crops, despite western governments’ pledges the activity would be severely curtailed. The fingerprints of Claus once again appeared, implicating him in the export of refined heroin onto the streets of Europe and North America.

Claus’ operations in Afghanistan has startling parallels with the Iran Contra Scandal of the early ‘80s. By utilising his contacts in the CIA, Claus set about employing a number of methods to transport refined heroin and cocaine into America and Europe. Many elf mules ingesting wraps of heroin were sent to meet with drug wholesalers in the US including Freeway Ricky Ross Jr., the son of the notorious drug runner of the same name. The use of elves in the 'ice runs' proved to be too risky, usually due to the packages bursting inside their bodies causing instant death and/or prolonged periods of induced mania. One tragic example of this was the incident involving American Airlines Flight 766 where a drug crazed child elf took over the controls in the cockpit and crashed said jumbo jet into an Bangladeshi orphanage. With incidents like this raising attention, Santa brought his reindeers in from pasture and for a while delivered the packages himself. This exercise however brought more undue attention in the media and alternative news websites, such as Prison Planet. Sightings of his sleigh in June led to speculation on what Claus was doing - eventually getting close to the truth of his heroin trafficking.

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