What to do in the case of a Santa Attack

A Public Service Announcement, produced by HM Government, Whitehall

What to do in the case of a Santa Attack


Christmas is cancelled this year by order of government. It is feared Santa may be gearing up for a Winter offensive.

- Do not panic.
- You may simply die or be injured.




The Post Office have already been notified of the threat level and steps have been taken to destabilise Santa's lines of distribution.

If you fear your property is a target this year you may wish to consider moving home.



Other things you can do:

Cancel your milk order for one month.
Destroy all items in your home that contain sugar. Destruction by fire is unsafe and these should be taken to government approved coal-powered stations.
Block up chimneys.
IT IS SAFE to burn snow.
Wrap hanging tinsel carefully in black or grey binliners.
Wear safety gloves when dealing with carrots or straw.
Disconnect all doorbells and alarm clocks.
Pour fizzy drinks down the drain.
Staple shut ALL turkeys.
Burn all recordings of conspirator and Santaist Chris De Burgh: It is feared these may contain subliminal messages. Consult your GP for advice.
And most of all, have a merry Christmas!

Conclusion: Who has been bad and who has been good and who decides?

More than a few reports from parents in western Europe and North America indicate that Claus, on delivery of presents to households, has engaged in various sexual assaults on girls and boys in their own beds, regardless of whether or not they have been good or bad. A spate of burglaries and an increase in violence in homes over the 24-25th December in recent years has also been charted in this period by various study teams. He also takes toys from children of the government representatives, telling leaders they must comply to his demands. Analysis indicates that how the ‘goodness’ or ‘badness’ of children is determined is arbitrarily decided upon, with the children of the Gaza Strip being kept on the ‘Bad Boys/Girls List’ indefinitely. (For example, the dropping of white phosphorous on Gaza on Christmas Eve) The reasons for this are unclear, but as is explored earlier in the text, we feel Claus exploits the impoverishment of these nations and withholds toys for the nations’ children in order to broker deals with said nations’ governments.

Any attempt to list Santa's war crimes would be incomplete, and we recommend an independent survey with this area as its focus. This is our major finding of this report and the Commission recognises the help of the charity Common Purpose UK in their generous donation of £11,000,000.

After discussion about the findings of this report with the Right Honourable Peter Mandelson, Jack Straw, Alan Johnson and opposition leader David Cameron the following steps were undertaken. It was declared with much thought that full research be implemented of this private record by notifying UK citizens in the creation of a supplemental leaflet, "What To Do In The Case Of A Santa Attack." It should be written in terms they'll understand and distributed to every household.

Since we began our research, Lapland has been closed down and the remaining elves processed and rehoused in pier-side containment. With Santa on the run, Christmas has been cancelled by order of government as it is feared He may be gearing up for a Christmas offensive.

Peter Mandelson, with the aid of BAE Systems, has taken command of military operations and strategy. They have initiated search-and-destroy missions in Afghanistan, Pakistan, East Timor and all Texaco filling stations with sandwich shelves. Noel Edmonds has been arrested in connection with subversive activities.

(ii) In Profile: Mrs Claus

Mary Goody nee Claus was a renowned early suffragette who disappeared from London society when she met Claus (then Reyes Magos). The two married in 1849. Initially seduced by his magical charms, in wedlock she came to know an aging substance user and domestic abuser, high on bottled raven adrenalin. Visits by associate Krampus made matters worse when the 1880s economic crash hit hard on their Lapland Ranch. The two insisted Mary retrieve cigarette butts from all the bins for recycling. This must have been particularly trying for the feminist, especially as data shows particularly harsh winters that decade. The years began to take their toll so it was no surprise when in 1888 she was trampled near to death by a Taunton.
At first, Santa considered stepping down so a replacement could take on the role and marry his offspring. Then, he considered marrying his own daughter. Counselled by Krampus, he gave his consent for the incubus demon to impregnate Mary's frozen remains. Using voodoo ice sculptures, microwave technologies and nanotech developed from their business resources, Mrs Mary Claus was reanimated at the cost of her daughter's life. The form that emerged was one more subservient and tolerant of the rampages of living with Claus and developed a crueler streak. The three would outdo one another in fiendish schemes. This came to a head when Mary developed a remote control device for an iceberg which sank the HMS Titanic in 1912. Santa and Krampus realised they would have to reign her in, and she was transferred to the Finance Department. Scholars state that this successfully curbed Nicholas' own excesses. In the 1960s the second wave of Woman's Liberation triggered flashbacks to her feminist persona and she began stalking Bob Dylan. She gave the order for the invasion of Vietnam to encourage the performer to return to acoustic performances and claimed Vietnam did not sit with her colour scheme. She also ordered the BBC erase all tapes of Patrick Troughton as Doctor Who, believing him to be a resistance fighter broadcasting coded information on their swiss bank accounts. Mary Claus was successfully captured during Operation Blizzard earlier this year and is in training for a law post with Carter and Ruck of London.


(iii) Random Local Case Sudy: Northern Ireland

One representative sample of a global power base suburb was carried out in the small realm of Northern Island were many well-known personalities have pledged their allegiance to the cartel. These include a mind-controlled Pamela Ballyntyne and Noel Thompson. Inspector Keith Burnside has acted as an enforcer, utilising his broadcasts Scene Around Six, Police Six and The Bill to round up young offenders who had upturned shoes. One notable victim of Burnside included the late showbusiness personality Jim Megaw. After losing his job to Claus' Tescopoly, Megaw was sentenced to Alcatraz after being caught on the grounds of 'Crazy Prices' centres careering Santa's trolleys into one another. Broadly however, many cartel sponsors on the Northern Island scene are freemasons who like to help out, or Scientologists who believe in the practice of masturbatory behaviourism.

Section V: Profiling Santa's Cartel

(i) Santa and Neo-Conservatism



In 1970, Nicholas formed a political think tank based on subversion of the philosophies of Leo Strauss with early converts including Strauss' ex-student, Paul Wolfowitz, arrest warrant fugitive Henry Kissinger, G. Gordon Liddy and J. Edgar Hoover’s dressmaker. In the 1980s, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were to join them, combining their ideals into the basis of Neo-Conservatism.

Each year in the West, they fund the paramilitary Santa Volunteer Force employing the use of bells in subliminal Pavlovian conditioning to imprint their will on the people. These 'Coke fiends' became employees for life, with sleeper cells in the UK and beyond. Accompanied by an army of genetic clones, they are carefully placed to cover their tracks and are purported to have links to MK-Ultra operations. With the aim of pushing Claus' liquid cocaine into every home in existence, the people would be made docile by 'bad coke' until times of war when they became Manchurian Candidates awakened to enact slaughter. Ripe for the picking by the government and establishment. Not questioning the laws, they are easily scared and allow their freedom and liberties to be eaten away. 'Undesirables’ were placed in secret jails so as not to upset the morally pure equilibrium. Many of these ideas were made manifest in the foreign and domestic policy of Nixon, Reagan and Bush administrations. South America was the main base to manufacture and Claus had been toppling regimes since the 1970s through his School of the Americas in Florida. The recent hiring of these figures to advise Obama is being watched carefully. At the next rung of the Claus Cartel, are other figures interested in advancing The Project for a New American Century such as Steven Seagal and Dustin Diamond. These men work alongside Gary Glitter and Karl Rove as well as Tesco representatives Tony Blair and John Ashcroft. At the lower levels of the ladder, Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park act as street distributors and enforcers for the Claus empire.

Operation Blizzard was launched on the caves of Lapland between January and March of 2009 and although it failed to capture Claus it was notable in rounding up a number of key players and providing further intel. In undertaking this rescue mission, allied forces were provided with a key set of fifty-two laminated fact notes on rheindeers such as Dancer and Prancer, the ravens Hugin and Munin, elf lieutenants, Krampus, Kim Jong-il and the Claus couple. There have been many reported sightings of Santa. We have looked into the reports of journalists and CIA and MI5 both, have offered us their various photo archives on Santa. However, there are irregularities and as you can see from Fig.6 evidence is clear that there are at least five different Santas linked with official statements.

New Developments

We interrupt the printing of the White Paper with some updates since its publication.

An unsuccessful assassination attempt on Santa which shows he still has connections in high places. (Associated Press, 3rd December)

Corroborating research on the risk Santa poses, by Dr. Grills of Monash University (Herald Sun, 18th December)

Also, the authors of this blog were consulted by HM Government to produce the short information leaflet, What To Do In Case Of A Santa Attack (HM Gov, 19th December)

From Grotto to Ghetto

From January to July, weapons were tested on elves physiology as part of the contracts with BAE Systems and Lockheed Martin. In return, Santa had been helped to re-tool his sleigh with depleted uranium and by Christmas 1990, inside sources indicate that he had abandoned it altogether, preferring a stealth bomber. Furthermore, confirmed reports emerged from the carnival, Bohemian Grove, of sex slaves and snuff movies projected on the large screen. It is believed special guest Jack Straw MP was encouraged to masturbate at the sight of these and he had "a jolly good time".

Dispersed elves not cut down in the fierce weather, commercial traps or hunting wolves with rotor blades, had made their way to the offices of various human rights agencies. Despite objections within Amnesty International that elves aren't actually human, they undertook to report. This detailed the sweatshop conditions, and led to a follow-up expanded survey by action group, No Sweat! Corporate Watch also responded providing an incomplete report, adding the provisory of having real work to do. A notable early success came in 1994 when Supply Chain Digest News was implicated in cover ups of abuses of elves rights. Yet it was the infringement of animal rights including rheindeer-rape that led to PETA's involvement.

It is believed that the President had held off on earlier action against Lapland because of business interests and he had Santa confused with Monsanto. On their fiftieth report to congress in 2008, PETA convinced President Bush, in his last week in office, to take action.

"That damn Osanta Claus Has Laden made me look like a combination of Mickey Mouse."
- GW Bush, January 19, 2009

With UN Intelligence having been in standby mode since the information first made it to them in 1991, it was agreed a joint ally strike would be given priority for later that week. Santa had known for some years this was coming and had made his getaway. Troops unearthed bodies in walled up sections of the caves, were elf corpses hung in velvet stockings.

Bibliography

Duanthus (October 2004) My Time In The Lapland Munitions Factories, Readers Digest
Icke, D. (2003) I love you, Even you Santa, David Icke Books
Pernitis (1999) Pernitis: Elf Survivor - My Torture, Delivery and Salvation, Poundstretcher Publications
Ronson, J. (2001) The Men Who Stare At Rheindeers, BBC

Section IV: Breaking Labour Laws - The Elves Narrative

From Grotto to Ghetto

Claus' involvement in child sex rings extends to the production of snuff films involving both human and elf children. Usually the elf children who are candidates for summary executions are kept aside for starring roles in these films. Another branch of the films Claus produces are centred round beastiality featuring his reindeer. We have received more than a few reports from elves who claim to have seen these films, and they confirm that Claus uses his reindeer to sodomise elf children, and sometimes elf women. This may explain Claus’s press release from four years ago detailing the mysterious death of Rudolf from “unexplained blood loss.”

On the eve of May 3rd 1982, after the illegal sinking of the ARA General Belgrano, the Elves Trade Union (ETU) decided to launch pro-active operations. Early industrial sabotage resulted in disappearances and public punishments. Multiple eyewitness reports state that around March 30th 1984, several prominent activists including Sleipnir the horse, were publicly humiliated and tortured. Tied up and calm before the judgement, Sleipnir was paraded around the cavern with a black hood and the word 'Ass' written across it in pink fluid. When Santa tied him up he remained calm, despite seeing several co-conspirators tied to his hind legs. The steed was then injected with a substance which within minutes set off epileptic convulsions trampling the elves behind him. Santa then did a jig, shouted "Eggnog!" and told the elves to return to work or there would be more eggnog.

From this period on, the ETU looked into long-term plans for revolt, culminating in the completion of an escape route from the fortress. Initial escapee numbers in January 1990 were low, with elves fearing reprisals against their comrades. However, Santa, red-faced and unable to see past his prodigous girth appeared complacent. With no signals from the escapees, resistance leaders moved another ten from the factories around January of the following year. In Early May 1996, a mass breakout of several hundred elves occurred. This was timed to coincide with Santa's attendance at the CIBC Leadership Centre for a Bilderberg Group meeting in King City, Ontario, Canada, were he gave a presentation entitled 'Organising Antarcticism'.

(v) Santa’s Involvement with International Ponzi Schemes

In what has to be one of Claus most dastardly schemes he created an international Ponzi scheme, ‘Crinkle’s Christmas Cash Cornucopia’, which played on the fears of many middle/lower income families facing the credit crunch in the run up to Christmas. When the full extent of the credit crunch became common knowledge and investors tried to withdraw their money Claus transferred the money to his creditors and other Swiss accounts he had opened.

Upon deeper investigation by Dr. Freamon, remaining funds were allocated to twelve departments and seven subsidiaries. Each of these were headed by Claus who had sole authorisation and access to the accounts. The Cornucopia was referred to by Private Eye magazine as a "Christmas Tree Pyramid Scheme" In an effort to appease a Commons Select Committee, He agreed to transfer responsibility for access to others. However, each of these nineteen were under the names of his different aliases.

(vi) Turf War

In 2006, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals group condemned the strategic genocide of the mammal Leporidae. Splayed and eviscerated rabbits were found the previous December, stretching from the Nordic regions, Canada, across Russia, Algeria, China and South America. Later, suspicions were aroused that this was some form of Satanic abuse with links to Al-Qaeda. However, analyses from Norad and then Google Earth revealed an astonishing pattern.



The 'J' pattern of bodies found in the Australian Dreaming is a reference to the intended recipient, Jesus. It has since been confirmed by Ecumenicipol that Claus sent the warning message in his position as godfather, as a reminder to rival Christ to stay off his turf.

(iv) Following the Money

Many CIA intelligence analysts were at a loss to understand why Claus had such an interest in exporting Heroin from Afghanistan. It was the sterling work of investigative reporter Barry Stringer (now deceased after an apparent suicide) that ascertained that Claus was in fact funnelling the money he made off the back of the booming Heroin trade in the United States into Taliban coffers; thus keeping the insurgents well armed, well funded and more importantly, keeping the war going indefinitely into the 2010’s.

Claus shares in Haliburton and BAE Systems were riding at a premium by the end of 2008. Speculators predict Claus would sell of his shares some time around the end of 2011 before the much touted withdrawal of allied troops.

The manifestation of a large lake in Giza, Egypt in 2006 was originally dismissed as pollution through its sewage-like appearance. However Dr. Lester Freamon links this to papers found in Lapland relating to transport costs and the commissioning of a Toblerone 755 ft sides and 481 ft tall. He theorises a failed espionage operation in this case. Receipts were also found from Minibars Inc. for four million individual ferrero rocher with corroborating wrappers. Investigation of records during the seizure this Feburary revealed that outgoings for presents were allocated to rich children only. The Lapland Vaults were empty but for three chocolate coins, two golden fleece and Jason the Argonaut's decapitated corpse buried in the frozen soil of an old pear tree.

(ii) Santa’s Recent Financial Status

After the fall of the Berlin Wall, Claus’ fortunes changed dramatically. Figures released in 1992, referred to as Dossier 2Q state that a group of bankers with links to the Carlyle Group and other members of the Indy 4000 show that the place of Lapland on The World FTSE Index is a result of fraudulent information. These unearthed reports show that Lapland has been operating at a six billion trillion debt and had gained no profit in the last ten years. It looked like the game was up for Claus. Administrators were closing in and he had to take prompt evasive action.

Fortuitously in 1993 the International Monetary Fund (IMF) opened up Africa to free trade. Not one to miss a trick Claus set the wheels in motion devising a plan to strip African nations of their resources and thus return his fortune to its former glory.

Claus, along with IMF economists, set about drawing up an economic plan for failing African nations. Firstly they approached the highly corrupt and impressionable Rwandan president Kalharri proposing to him he sell off his country’s mineral and diamond resources for a song: a personal 10% commission paid into a Swiss bank account they had set up for him.

When this was secured the country was opened for speculators to invest in real estate and currency. But when Claus employed the services of special forces mercenaries to stoke civil war in the region investors fled with their money leaving interest rates sleighing the stratosphere. This allowed Claus to buy up what remained of Rwandan land and resources for next to nothing. Claus performed his coup de grace then, controlling the import of food and using his mercenaries to destroy the water board infrastructure. The majority of the country was pushed into a state of complete impoverishment. He then picked off the remaining assets, including the lucrative Rwandan diamond mines.

These evil manoeuvrings by Claus were replicated throughout Africa and Southern Asia mainly in Indonesia and Thailand. By the end of the 1990’s Claus’ bank balance was back to their bloated dimensions.

(iii) Santa’s Involvement with the International Drugs Trade

The war in Afghanistan provided Claus with a further opportunity to supplement his now extensive portfolio. Opium production in the Afghan poppy fields increased threefold since the NATO invasion. Evidence emerged that the CIA and MI6 are actively using allied troops to protect these opium crops, despite western governments’ pledges the activity would be severely curtailed. The fingerprints of Claus once again appeared, implicating him in the export of refined heroin onto the streets of Europe and North America.

Claus’ operations in Afghanistan has startling parallels with the Iran Contra Scandal of the early ‘80s. By utilising his contacts in the CIA, Claus set about employing a number of methods to transport refined heroin and cocaine into America and Europe. Many elf mules ingesting wraps of heroin were sent to meet with drug wholesalers in the US including Freeway Ricky Ross Jr., the son of the notorious drug runner of the same name. The use of elves in the 'ice runs' proved to be too risky, usually due to the packages bursting inside their bodies causing instant death and/or prolonged periods of induced mania. One tragic example of this was the incident involving American Airlines Flight 766 where a drug crazed child elf took over the controls in the cockpit and crashed said jumbo jet into an Bangladeshi orphanage. With incidents like this raising attention, Santa brought his reindeers in from pasture and for a while delivered the packages himself. This exercise however brought more undue attention in the media and alternative news websites, such as Prison Planet. Sightings of his sleigh in June led to speculation on what Claus was doing - eventually getting close to the truth of his heroin trafficking.

Santa: A Brief History of Crime

The currency of competing intel' agencies is blackmail and subterfuge. No type of blackmail is more valuable and effective in the right hands than sex blackmail. In 1943 the compromising of Claus by the Office of Strategic Services (OSS) using sex blackmail, set him on a 50 year journey of deep espionage and state sabotage, that would see even his conscience pricked on more than one occasion.

At the time Claus was heavily involved in the Thule Society after it had been revived by founder Walter Nauhaus. It was Nauhaus who saw the publicity that would be generated by the recruitment of Claus as a member, and Claus took on his role within the society with much gusto. It was he who reiterated the origins of the word 'Thule' and referenced ancient Greek poet Virgil who cited Thule as being 'a land located...in the furthest north' now seen as Scandinavia.

In 1942 Claus along with members of the society led an expedition to the fabled land of Hyperboria (of which Thule is said to be the capital), along with members of the Nazi party. He later played host to Rudolf Hess, Hans Frank and Josef Mengle in his palatial house in Lapland. It is believed by many that Claus' favourite reindeer was named Rudolf after Hess, who also took a shine to him.

It was at this shindig that Claus permitted Mengle to carry out rudimentary mind control tricks on his elves, a parlour trick which quickly descended into a vicious homoerotic orgy led by some of the more violent and predatory Nazi homosexuals of the group. But also among the group was an OSS double agent who documented the debasement of the elves with a concealed camera. Months later this evidence was presented to Claus, and he was informed that if he did not comply with the instructions of Allied intel' networks he would be brought up at the Nuremberg trials and accused of Nazi collaboration. Claus' options were thus limited and he gave the Allies all the intelligence they needed on top secret Nazi programmes that were being run out of Lapland, including locations and personnel involved. Many retired MI-6 agents now acknowledge the role Claus' information played in ending World War 2.


After WW2, Lapland was ceded into the Soviet Union. Santa's deals with IBM, the Union Banking Corporation and Prescott Sheldon Bush made him so rich that only Iceland concerned him in the geographical power struggle. He kept trolls as allies but set them to war with the elves. This allowed him to greater levy provision of protectionism in exchange for their labour. Claus thereafter remained on the periphery of the Cold War occasionally feeding the west with intel’ on the USSR’s nuclear capabilities and, on Christmas Eve dropping pro-western literature over East Berlin.

His journey from the Cold War era until the modern day post-Neoconservative world is dealt with in following sections of this report, notably in the section on Santa's cartel. To write about it here all over again would be a bit bloody stupid and a waste of everyone's time now wouldn't it?


Bibliography

Curtis, A. (2007) St. Nicholas and the Nazis: From Santa to Swastikas, BBC

Daniels, J. (1973) Santa, Capone and Chicago's Bootlegging Legacy, Bargain Books

Jones, A. (1997) TerrorClaus: A Secret History of Santa Claus' War Crimes and Banking Crimes and What he plans for the 21st Century from the heart of his Global Elite Lapland Fortress Investigation That Will Shock In My New Unique Film, InfoWars Films

Section III: Santa Claus' Links With Secret Societies, Intel' Networks and International Drug Runners

(i) A Brief History of Crime

It was said by Robert Anton Wilson that the history of the world is really the history of the war between secret of societies. Or words to that effect.

A man who has oft involved himself in every aspect of this war is Santa Nicholas Claus. From garnering intelligence on the Communist empire of the USSR during the Cold War to being implicitly involved in the Kennedy assassination, Claus' hands are stained with the blood of thousands of intel' agents, political dissidents and heads of states from every corner of the earth.

The first recorded image of Santa appeared in 1881's Punch. In a feature by Thomas Nast who covered the end of the first Boer War, a photo appears clearly showing a bedraggled Claus dressed in a muddy torn poncho carrying armaments and a dead baby, which he appears to have taken a bite out of. The child’s entrails can be seen hanging from Claus’s mouth – and his already impressive beard appears to be matted with blood.

Reports subsequently surfaced of Claus and his entourage abducting young tribal children around the Cape Colony area and Kimberly. Some children’s bodies were found severely mutilated, while other children simply disappeared, never to be heard of again. While there are many theories as to why Claus involved himself in the first Boer War, no one can say with any certainty what his real motivations for being there were.

In the trenches of World War One, the historic football game of Christmas 1914 was replaced by a foggy phantasm of Santa's spectre delivering death in the form of shiny rocket baubles. The traditional image of White Rock beverages in 1915 was used by Santa to sell mineral water, then associating his image with ginger ale in 1923. During the onset of the prohibition law, Nicholas also took part in supplying illegal liquor to the racketeers. He gave Al Capone his famous scar when the gangster sought to cut him out of distribution rights for the beverages. In co-operation with Russian Intelligence Services we have learnt of suspicions that Nicholas was linked to smearing the first British Labour Government of 1924 with turkey fat. A recently unearthed diary of Ivanelf confirms these actions grew from a drunken rage over then premier Lloyd George's incessant harping for the New Years Honours List. The wishlist arrived at Lapland, forwarded by Timothy Lincoln and Maundy Gregory, although intended for The Queen. Agitated by Zinovieff's Christmas list which he had received on the same day, Nicholas cut and pasted the collection into a letter which he then sent to the British Foreign Office.

(iii) Claus' Contravention of Child Labour Laws

The imagery of the red shoe accompanying Santa everywhere is a violent reminder to slaves that the workplace is under his control. Its also indicative of a man with a serious foot fetish. If rumour is to be believed it was once used against him during an assassination plot when he was given as a gift a dynamite slipper. The attempt failed as the measurements were too wide and straight at the top.

One of the main areas where Claus breaks child labour laws concerns his drafting of children and child elves to manufacture his toys in workshops. Sources inform us that massive backlogs occur most years due to the unreliability of Santa’s global research and development teams tasked with making predictions on the next big toy craze. These incorrect predictions cause a rush to produce the actual popular toys and require hurried recruitment and training of infant elves. Claus pulled strings with His sources in the Chinese government to outsource to Beijing sweatshops, where children are also employed in appalling conditions. These conditions are replicated in Claus’s own toy workshops where child elves are required to work 48 hour shifts, often without breaks. They are fed once within each 24hr period. Due to their extremely slow metabolism they can function on this meagre sustenance and complete their work. Close exposure in handling these toxic lead toys apparently lead to painless deaths within six months to a year. Disabled children in the Third World are not so lucky.

Santa's eugenicist agenda is further revealed in the summary executions carried out on a daily basis in His workshops – with the weakest elf child usually the main fatality. It has been reported that other elf children are tasked with carrying out the executions with many instances of one child elf having to kill a brother or sister. Eyewitness reports convey this is done by hand, grinding lumps from coal stocks into their skinny green faces.

(ii) Geoccultography

One source has it that Santa is also known as Nicholas Van Scrag, a noted child catcher, banned from the Austro-Hungarian Empire after the position was outlawed by a Pro-Life group close to Joseph II.

During the pacification of Santafarian imagery, the postcode H0H 0H0 was affixed to the Canadian residence in the North Pole. In the code of The Order of the Golden Dawn this translates as "Fox Noose scream Obey Oh". The original postcode translated by the same system as "Granny's knitted purse". This was apparently the cause of some embarrassment to the 33rd degree mason at White Lodge meetings. The region was acquired by the Claus dynasty who according to Joscelyn Goodwin in Arktos, The Polar Myth thought it to be an "esoteric archetype of spiritual purity and transcendence". Henry Corbin notes the primary residence's place in Sufism and Iranian Mysticism. Mount Qaf, at the centre of this region, "whose ascent, like Dante's climbing of the Mountain of Purgatory, represents the pilgrim's progress." In Iranian philosophy, "places ablaze with immaterial matter". These aspects are utilised in the notorious meetings of The Hyperborean Group, made up of global elites which elect "the real one" every fifty years.

Despite this, black ops strikes were launched earlier this year, though proved futile given the harsh terrain and risks incurred in triggering Claus' attention. Among the rumours of Santa's current location, Tibet resurfaces for similar reasons as above. The Foreign Office could not confirm or deny the region's hierarchical position in the occultist's mindset. However, one of our sources did speak of Claus' interests in deposing Saturnalia and the other old gods who held major investments in cycles.


Bibliography

Corbin, H. (1998) Alone with the Alone, Princeton University Press

Section II Sex Crimes Of Santa Nicolas Claus – Including Contravention Of Child Labour Laws and Claus’ Link To Occult Child Murder Rituals

(i) The Claus Link To Occult Child Murder Rituals

While many in the West consider Santa Claus to be a figure of fun, bringing cheer and happiness to countless children across the world, a more sinister aspect of His conduct toward some children belie this generally accepted impression of Him.

December 5th is known among elite circles as ‘Santa Day’. Many reliable sources report incidences of child abduction increase two-fold across the world towards this date, with the safe return of said children being almost nonexistent. It is our belief that these abducted children are used by Claus and his cabal as sacrificial offerings to the ‘anti-Santa’ Krampus. According to folklore he is an incubus demon who travels the world warning ‘bad’ children they will not receive any presents from Santa if they do not mend their ways. Insider elves inform us that on the stroke of midnight between December 4th and 5th, Claus and three high Satanic priestesses lay out seven heavily drugged children on sacrificial alters, cutting their throats. When this is completed the bodies of the children are hung upside down and bowls are placed underneath to collect the blood that empties from their entrails. Santa and the priestesses then strip naked and elf slaves are required to smear the blood all over their bodies. According to some of these former elf slaves it is at this point the demon Krampus materialises. The priestesses and Claus bow in front of the demon entity and request that it go out into the world and inform ‘bad’ children to modify their behaviour. Finally they bring the remaining bowlfuls of blood to Krampus who imbibes hungrily. Aleistar Crowley propagated the theory that the blood of traumatised children is rich in magickal power, and so the high priestesses and Claus try and terrify the children as much as they can before killing them.

The rest of the abducted children who were not used in the sacrifice are shipped to the four corners of the world to be used as sex slaves by famous paedophiles, including, but not limited to, Cliff Richard and Paul Daniels. It is reported that Claus charges a premium rate for these children and the funds he accrues from this trafficking he invests into shares in weapons manufacturers and bribing members of the worldwide Israeli lobby (see Section III).

The day following the sacrifice is also known as 'St. Nicholas Day', which many religious scholars understand to be an inversion of the Christian Holy Communion. Obtained samples of the food (including mince pies) and refreshments (including sherry) examined by scientists confirm that traces of human materials (blood, saliva, DNA) were found. We can assume that the bodies of some of the abducted children are used in the manufacture of this food and unsubstantiated reports from elves working in Claus’ kitchens say that the children's cadavers are ground up and added to the mince pies etc.

The date is traditionally accompanied by global food shortages and riots. Food is well placed as occult symbolism psychologically employed by the Santa elite moving closer to Christmas. According to the 1688 incantations reprinted in The Feast of St. Nicholas and Jesus Last Supper: Parallels of War in Religion, Region and Culture, brownies and marzipan figurines are utilised by Him in the practice of voodoo. Unholy purpose sought in evocation rituals involves Milk and cookies embodying the symbolism of sperm and eggs in a creationist ritual.

(iv) Santa and The Environmental Movement

Common belief holds Santa to be a resident of Greenland, though this in fact a recent mistake. Misidentifying the regions is an outcome of consciousness manipulation in Claus' revisionist stratagem, tying his operations into the current fashion for all things 'Green'.

Together with Piter Mandelson, Nicholas Claus has been involved in smears against the Green Party, preventing them from securing a political foothold. Documented fact of the BNP's racism correlates with Santa's anti-Semitism and refusal to employ jewish elves. By rigging the BNP's rise to power, Mandelson and Claus seek to subvert contrasts in fringe party politics and reinforce the two-party system perception. Also, hes a right cunt inni. Cutting off organised Green politics movements and delivering them to obscurity, they were then be free to co-opt Green themes into their own agendas.

Intel shows us that this has already begun. Santa's links with Al Gore and the so-called global warming movement divert attention away from the smoking gun: Project Whitewater. Gore's stocks and shares in TRON Technologies funded their use of fusion reactors to melt polar icecaps. This also involved propane and propane accessories and the removal of Antarctica's Mount Walton was the first casualty. At Gore's behest, Santa took global water levels to a new precedent. As a cover, He doctored photos of Galactus, Unicron and Thor using the Earth as a football and placed them at the scene. Mr. Werther's original study concluded, "Because of deforestation, there are no trees in the Antarctic, but the weight of evidence suggests there never were."

At LapTech Labs, Santa's agent provocateur Bea Campbell aided by ex-doctor David Southall, developed a hypodermic needle allowing for injection of tomatoes into any printing press. This explains why the Green Party has celebrated the arrival of Campbell in their ranks. As a Santaist, it is suspected her allegiance will knock a powerful blow to the party's chances. The General British public regard her as an immoral scapegoating fibber and molester of adults. To a lesser extent, Greens have been manipulated away from global issues, splitting their ranks. Spokesperson George Monbiot was manipulated during a heavy dose of constipation by Santa, into believing he had a large bomb in his belly. This would be triggered on his visit to one of the planet's more beautiful landscapes if he did not speak out against the 9/11 Truth Movement. The lie was revealed shortly after Monbiot ingested some high fibre apricots, but by then the damage had been done.

References
Daniels, J. (1973) Santa, Capone and Chicago's Bootlegging Legacy, Bargain Books
Curtis, A. (2007) St. Nicholas and the Nazis: From Santa to Swastikas, BBC

The Rockstar Games Controversy

In 1993 a Northern Irish woman called Maisie Patterson, secretary of the Harrison Ford Official Fan Club, campaigned for the actor's release. Santa, getting wind of her activism, turned her into digital actuary signals and put her in the game Grand Theft Auto III. "Imprisoned as the wee Norn Irish bag lady who threatens to put something through yer windies if you nearly run her over", a spokesperson remarked. Amnesty International are campaigning to Rockstar Games for medical treatment and her immediate release .

(iii) Santa and The Entertainment Industry

Case Study: Tom and Jerry

In the 1950s, Santa returned West and began pursuing his agenda through a new medium, television. He seduced the children of William Hanna with Coca-Cola 'fixes' and threatened to disclose this to the FBI. Hanna and Barbera were thus blackmailed into making a cartoon which represented His own take on sex and relationships. The result was Tom and Jerry. On the surface it seemed a harmless cartoon where the prey got the upper hand against its predator. In fact it represents Jerry as an overtly homosexual mouse with sadist transvestite sex drives. Unable to form normal relationships, he seeks sex with a cat called Tom, in appearance a devoutly heterosexual male, but in fact a closet homosexual. Unable and unwilling to express his true sexuality, he resorts to violence towards Jerry. The mouse is compliant while Tom gives release to his masochistic side, sharing in the dominant-submissive cycle in receiving violence at the end of every cartoon. This is the only way he can get an erection, as Hanna/Barbara later admitted before the Senate Subcommittee on Juvenile Delinquency. The content of these shows were to lead to sweeping censorship laws of comics and animation which would last four decades. The content of these shows, scripted by Santa himself, are telling clues in His relationship with his wife and children in His charge.


Celebrity links

Through the years Santa has cultivated a number of deals with Hollywood to promote retroactive continuity of a kindly image. However, behind the scenes these links within the world of the arts celebrity have had dire consequences. Santa drove Karen Carpenter to weight loss and unsubstantiated insinuations persist that he molested singer Bjork when she was a child. The Obama administration has exhumed the records of John Wayne, a personal friend of Claus for clues.

Mick Jagger was an acolyte, and as odes to Grandfather Frost composed 'Sympathy for the Devil', and named an album "Their Santanic Majesties Request", misspelt by Decca Records as 'Satanic'. Santa was furious with Belzeebub over the incident and bound and exiled him to a fictional dimension where he was known as Ross Kemp. When movie star Harrison Ford stumbled upon Claus' contacts in the Reagan White House, he had him frozen in a Lapland vault and replaced with an impostor.

His friendship with Rupert Murdoch and ownership of shares in Fox and CNN have facilitated maintaining power and control in recent times. Doctor Who producer Russell T. Davies has been cleared recently of the charges against him of partaking in Santa's bizarre orgies involving satyrs (half-men, half-goats). Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh are still under investigation, particularly since the photographs of Cowell in a beard and spectacles disguise emerged. The late Johnny Cash, whose ditty "Folsom Prison Blues" alludes to the singer's previous assasination attempt on Nicholas, is being decoded for intelligence purposes.

(ii) Marketing, Associations and distributing the reality narrative of Coke

A mass of documentary evidence shows that Santa lost control of his Iceland homeland when he was permanently exiled in the fifteenth century. Since then, he has been seeking to regain the territory. The Trade Partners UK Information Centre and Who Owns Whom discovered Mary Claus secured a controlling interest in the Iceland Plc Store Chain in 2002. Displaced refugee elves often arrived in the stores, which MI5 suspects had been designed as one-way traps. Cage baskets were viewable through the entrance which locked behind them, and so their only exit point was under cover of these baskets in-store. The majority of elves never even made it that far. The Claus infiltration was detected by the Icelandic Baugur Group shortly after and they threatened to depose Him when the consortium bought them out. He retaliated with aggressive measures seeking to destabilise the country's economy in 2008. This is just one example of a retail corporation as conflict site in a larger historical tapestry.

The distinctive red, black and white Coke button is more typically seen en masse worldwide. From lights in Times Square to Superbowl commercials and Olympic Sponsorship. It is placed at the tip of bullets produced in Colombia and powers the Industrial Light and Magic hologram at Andy Warhol's grave. The Coke Museum run by bottlers Emboslava in Nejapa, supported by religious tax exemption status, offers pilgrims 'Child Jesus' stigmatas (temporary tattoos). Inspectors for Public Health and Social Assistance condemned this 'Smiling Santa' as a lethal skin rash. The Ministry of Agriculture agreed saying, "the same spiritual results can be gained from eating fish."

Section I: Marketing and Propaganda: The Coca-Cola Connection

(i) The Coca-Cola Connection

Employed to a management position by Joseph Pemberton in the 1890s, Santa moved to the United States. As has been well documented, He discovered the full potential of cocaine in Coca-Cola and proceeded to addict children to the medicine, a trick replicated by his clients Sigmund Freud and Edward Bernays in tobacco distribution. Using the full funds and technology at the Coca-Cola company’s disposal he was able to fly around the world in one night and put cocaine in children’s stockings. In his red suit, Nicholas was to become the face of White Rock beverages and Coca-Cola, referred to as Santa Claus thereafter. Cocaine was removed from the formula in 1903 and replaced with talcum powder instead.

The range of operations of Claus-Krampus Plc has been accelerating rapidly since the creation of Fanta in the 1940s and has perpetrated the Nazi legacy since. In 2002, Fanta was controversially linked with the white slave trade and island brothels. In April of this year, vice police sent their fifth confirmed report to the US Department of Justice strongly advising a sting operation, and relocation of the inmates to Guantanamo Bay. A shipment of polar bears brought to the island by a cruel gambling ring, had died in the extreme heat.

Laboratory analysis of Fanta by the Cophenhagen Institute reveal a predilection towards traditional methods of manufacture. Fanta is a concoction of two main elements: Snow, removed from the icecaps and 70% trace urine. New forensic evidence supplied through studying the sexual violation of rheindeers and elves unmistakably link it to that of Santa's phallus Mjolnir. Among the children of El Salvador, exposure to the raw untreated sugar cane has resulted in dehydration, thirst, lung damage, bee-stings and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)

HRW (Human Rights Watch) reports state Claus-Coke's child supply chain should be removed and the situation monitored, with recommendations for alternative support programmes. In 2004, the UN condemned harvesting in El Salvador and Lapland as the most dangerous uses of child labour. Claus-Coke responded in 2008 stating it is working towards finding a solution. Furthermore, they recommended that something should be done about the child labour issue. They pledged 20% of their budget from Mexican expenditure (their global highest) towards a solution. However in intervening years, shocking reports emerged that trucks bearing the brand insignia and Nicholas image' were covertly engaged in people trafficking and bound for Nejapa in El Salvador.

Dangerous acidity with toxic levels of carcinogen cadmium and kidney failure have been linked to these products by the Joint Parliamentary Committee in India. In Kaldera, rivers run dry up to 47% of the time, owing to Claus Industries process of 02 hoarding. Companies House informs us that Claus subsidiary Krampus Caps has responsibility for pumps and irrigation. In 2001 the CEO appeared on Democracy Now with the following statement,

We've conferred with community reps at Kaldera and Plachimada-ha-ha. As a reward for their hard work, we were moved to place farmers with 'Ways to Lunch'. This is a new program aimed at improving the area by providing free fertiliser made by our factories. It will supplement the availability of local produce. We've also instituted a number of management positions for locals so that all will celebrate the Great Feast of Saint Nick! Its so Christmassy, its Turkey, its going to be a gas!

When asked by Amy Goodman about the drought and damage to water levels, and the link with social unrest, Krampus had this to say on corporate social responsibility,

Ho-Oh-No. I've been down there and personally expected the pumps myself. I will of course be commissioning the very nice Teri and her hard-working and independent study board to re-evaluate the problem. I over-saw the pump installation and supply lines myself. If people are fighting, its because they can't get enough of that great great taste! Jubilate Deo!

Krampus also has responsibility for Columbian plant management.

As historical appendix to this section, it is worth mentioning a retail related incident from 1958. Staff at Sears Roebuck in Colorado Springs with anti-McCarthyite agendas, stumbled upon links between Santa and the Continental Air Defense Command. The confidential information was then published as a 'Santa Hotline' which children were encouraged to ring on Chrsitmas Eve. It was not until after Boxing Day, when authorities returning from vacation that they sought to spin the story into an "accidental misdial" and promote a Santa tracker as a public relations device. That Christmas Eve almost brought Russia and The West to push their red buttons. Norad was created soon after, to equally placate the public and Russia, yet it too served its own ends. The staff at that store were relocated, to parts unknown.

Preface

Santa: The White Paper is the product of an independent commission by The Spinning Wheel on behalf of the government of the United Kingdom. The Spinning Wheel Research Institute is a Quaker foundation operating on a non-for-profit basis. In this case, we are thankful for the UK's government's generous aid of a research bursary of £14.04.

In compiling this report, we have had access to the records of seventeen NGOs, government and military intelligence from Russia, Australia, Great Britain, Ireland and special experts from Czechoslovakia. Resistance was encountered in pursuing enquiries in Israel, East Timor and Canada.

We are extremely thankful for the contributions made by elf survivors who have come forward and campaign groups and researchers who have lobbied for their findings to be taken seriously. Given the subject matter, obviously some readers may find parts of this report disturbing. Also investigative journalist for Ulster Television, Julian Simmons, for his sterling work on the matter.

Although we have tried to refer to Santa in the first person, the abundance of aliases in use has made this difficult. In most cases we have referred to Him as Claus or Nicholas, rather than confuse with contextual identifiers. (eg. Reyes Magos in Occult referencing) Known aliases include but are not limited to Joulupukki, Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Sinterklass and Nikolai Fries. Noels Baba, Christmas Man, Reyes Magos, Reis Magi, Grandfather Frost and Old Man Frost. Intelligence has confirmed that passports have existed for all these identities at one time or another. He has also held identity documentation as Christmas Pop, Chimney John, Child Jesus and Howard Marks.

The following report is broken down into five parts. Part I looks at the global reach of His operations. Expansion of Claus iconography is examined through marketing, propaganda and historical image transformation. The report also deals with the environmental movement both as a political tool and contentious victim.

In Part II, we examine attempts to deconstruct the horrifying trends of spiritual and physical child abuse by the Claus Cartel. In Part III, we look at Nikolai Claus' criminal history over the last century including links with organised white slavery, mafioso and narcotic distribution. His collusion with intelligence agencies and international illegal wars over the last 100 years are also examined.

Part IV returns us to the theme of exploitation of the vulnerable. Here, we are indebted to those studying this at a grassroots level. In exploring the elves narrative we study industrial rights abuses and detail the disclosures that led to this report. In Part V, we expand on our profiling of Santa's crime network through data supplied by recent military intelligence strikes on the Lapland Fortress. Finally in our conclusion comma we lay out the recommendations from our assembled evidences.

This report is intended for Magenta Level cleared personnel only. Professor Hal Clarkson-Brookes, Steely Edwards and Robert F. Bisson assert their rights to be identified as researchers and authors of this work. We are thankful for those who have provided vital research publications to assist us in this task.